If there's an overarching theme linking this year's pressed plastic victims of theft, it's that thieves and hooligans can't resist the allure of the sequel. Let's take a closer look at these treasures as we mourn our kidnapped unfortunates, who no doubt cower in the comparatively safe darkness beneath a dirt-crusted piece of furniture and pine for their absent loved ones.
Battle for L.A., The Tourist: The first half of the year went by without a hitch. It was the smoothest sailing Fernando had ever experienced. But this double-feature was nipped in late July when one of Fernando's semi-regulars decided to help himself to some property and ignored Fernando's phone calls requesting it back. Said gent is no longer one of Fernando's semi-regulars, and rest assured that a Chronicle will surface if he ever decides to return.
Carlito's Way: This wanna-be Scarface was rented by someone who was quite the regular customer. Then he went out of town on some “business,” according to his girlfriend/wife/whatever, and “happened” to have taken the film with him “by mistake.” Fernando told her it's okay, because a mailing address exists on the case so that it could be returned to him via the postal service. The woman assured Fernando that this course of action would be taken and that his film would be promptly returned.
Grown Ups: Sometimes Fernando makes mistakes in permitting some people to rent. This is one of them. Fernando has not recounted the tale of this embarrassing defeat.
Death Race 2, Step Up 3: Another twofer. Some people Fernando had never seen before came in, set up an account, rented, never returned things. The phone number he had been given was disconnected and the address that was provided had mail returned. So it goes.
Jackass 3: Part of Fernando wants to thank the schmuck who took this off his hands because he can charge the full replacement price instead of $8 resale, when he still has a copy of this selfsame movie that people refuse to purchase (perhaps because there is, in fact, a modicum of common sense in today's society). Coincidentally, this is the copy which was the subject of the Jackass 3 Saga. Rock on, magic disc, rock on.
Hoodwinked Too, Psych 9: Semi-regular rents these for her and her boyfriend, they break up, he doesn't return the movies. Neither of them have come back yet since this came to pass, and Fernando doesn't care from whom the money comes when they do. He's at fault for not returning them and she's at fault for making the piss-poor decision of shacking up with a thief. Maybe he'll half-and-half it on them?
Gulliver's Travels: Another new account steal. Fernando finds himself walking a treacherous line between welcoming new customers to the fold with an open mind and heart, and being a malicious, mistrustful bastard to anybody he's never seen before.
Scream 4, Horrible Bosses, Fast Five, Take Me Home Tonight: Okay, this one kind of stuck in Fernando's craw because this haul consisted of four pretty decent renters, the first three of which were stolen the very week they came out. This Chronicle is forthcoming as well (WHAT IS THIS FORESHADOWING?).
The Smurfs: Okay, remember the chick with the nice rack? She reformed at one juncture but then embarked on a long hiatus from the store, and when she finally returned it seemed she had hooked up with some guy and formed babby which she did not do way instain. The happy couple rented a couple of movies one day, this and Planet of the Apes. The latter movie made it back into Fernando's possession. This one did not.
At least they brought back the one which helps Fernando's finances out more.
And there we have it. 2011 began with a whimper and went out with a bang. If the Mayans are correct, 2012 will go out in the same way, but with even more extravagance and finality. Thanks for reading, and see y'all next year!