It is a merry New Release Tuesday that happens to coincide with the date on which Fernando was born into this world. He is enjoying what passes for a day off: playing Final Fantasy XII and drinking a cool, refreshing Pepsi he has procured from a sodey pop fridge.
The phone rings. NEVADA CALL, reads the caller ID. Fernando pauses his game and picks up.
“Hello, Dominion of Movies.”
“Ah, yes,” says a weaselly, pleasing voice not unlike that of a servile but treacherous chancellor, “Do you carry any, ah, adult films?”
“Uh, no, I'm afraid I don't.”
“I see. Does anyone ever ask you about adult films?”
“Er. There's not really much demand for them here.”
“Well, I'm calling from Ecstatic X. We distribute adult videos to retailers like you.”
“Um. That's very nice. But I'm afraid I'm not interested in your product.”
“If you can give me just a minute, I'll be happy to give you a number of statistics regarding sales of adult video for home consumption,” says the man.
“Well, okay, but first I'd like you to answer a question for me,” says Fernando.
“Absolutely.”
“Why would I, or anyone else for that matter, spend money on something that could be had for free just about anywhere on the internet?”
“Well, you see, people like to enjoy adult videos in a relaxing home environment--”
“Pretty sure that it's still illegal to whip it out at the local Starbucks,” interrupts Fernando. “Are you suggesting to me that people in general don't consume their internet porn in the privacy of their own homes?”
“Sir, adult videos--”
“Porn.”
“Sir, that label is grossly loaded language and--”
“I mean, frigging Human Centipede is an adult video. Kill Bill is an adult video. Backdoor to the Orient is an adult video. That one is squicky gross-out horror and the other an exploitation revenge flick and the third some consenting adults doing naughty things in front of a camera really doesn't concern me and is silly sophistry. That being said, I'm not interested in your services. Good day.”
“But sir--”
Fernando hangs up, unpauses, and resumes his trudge through Barheim Passage to attain the Esper Zalera.
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