Sunday, July 3, 2011

Glorious Oldening

Though the Dominion is a place of dread and outrage most times, on rare occasions it relents in its torturing of Fernando and allows for merriment and joy.

Well, sort of.

Fernando scheduled a celebration in honor of New Release Tuesday because what isn't worth celebrating about Sucker Punch? That it was his birthday was complete arbitrary coincidence.

And there were guests! Many guests had RSVP'd and food had been prepared, but some of those guests brought some other guests and in the end there was a shortage of everything from cake to chairs. But no matter! Many fine things occurred that evening and Fernando cannot possibly recount all of them, so he shall cover three highlights:

First, Fernando was in a discussion with some of his compatriots about music when one of Fernando's guests mentions Linkin Park. His attention peels from the current topic and he says, “Linkin Park? You realize, right, that they were popular when I was in high school?”

Are you dissing Linkin Park?” asks a guest, who is a young lady that enjoys Linkin Park's discography.

Well, I'm just saying that Linkin Park's relevance now is like Dexy's Midnight Runners' relevance when I was in high school. Besides, Linkin Park is all about being angry and sad, but they're like forty now.”

You're dissing Linkin Park!” accuses the guest's friend, who is also a young lady.

Fernando shrugs. “I'm calling it like I see it. It's all, 'Craaaaaawling in my skiiiiin, these words I cannot somethingsomething! I am angry and sad, so I will yell about it please buy my CD.'”

The two young ladies at this juncture did the real life equivalent of ragequitting while some of Fernando's other guests cheered and laughed. But according to some of Fernando's more musically aware friends, Linkin Park's music has matured since the early 2000s. So perhaps they are significantly less screamy nowadays and Fernando's broad strokes were in error. However, that which is said cannot be unsaid.

Second, one of Fernando's friends who could not make it to the jamboree bequeathed unto him a most wondrous gift: a copy of Friday! Now he can share that cinematic masterpiece with all the world.

Finally, another of Fernando's guests bequeathed unto him a five ounce bottle of liquid joy labeled “Dave's Insanity Sauce.” The first thing Fernando does? Unscrews the top and shoved a properly coated fingertipful into his mouth.

Hey, this stuff's not too bad,” says Fernando. Then the capsaicin kicks in. “Ghek.”

Your face is turning red,” says one of Fernando's guests.

Yeah, and your eyes are watering,” notes another.

But Fernando, despite his body's instinctual reaction to the sudden arrival of a chemical irritant, is filled with ecstasy. And once the initial “holy crap this is spicy” has passed, Fernando begins consuming it in measured amounts with the delicacies made available at this New Release Tuesday Jamboree. In the end his tongue is bright red and on fire and it is marvelous.

The rolling of bones ensued and death was had, and overall it was a good day. Too bad it only comes once a year.

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