Jackassitude II

Around 2 PM that same day, a pair of sixteenish-year-old ladies enter the Dominion and approach the counter.

“Hi,” says one of them, who has a nose ornament that dangles below her nostrils like the lead on a cow. “We were wondering if you had any copies of Jackass 3 in yet. Our friend said that you had one waiting for him.”

“Er...you mean Mr. Salami?”

“Yeah.”

“Um, that seems to be a miscommunication. I actually don't have any of my copies back yet.”

“What are those movies there?” she asks, pointing to a pair of cases resting on the desk behind the counter, near Fernando.

“Those would be The Walking Dead and The Next Three Days. I'm holding them for someone else.”

“Well, how come those are in but Jackass 3 isn't?” she demands.

“Um...I can't really control when people choose to return the movies they'd rented the day before. The only stipulation is that they have to be back by seven PM to avoid late fees.”

She tilts her head in a way that exactly mimics Quizzical Dog. “Only what?”

“Stipulation. Constraining edict. Rule.”

“Oh,” she says, seemingly content in her vocable ignorance. Then, after a moment, she continues, “You should call the people up right now to tell them to bring the movie back.”

Fernando scratches the side of his face. “I mean, it's basically theirs until seven. I could call people up to ask for them to return things early, but that's kind of a—pardon the pun—jackass move for me, wouldn't you agree?”

“I don't see how it's not,” she sniffs. “My friend wants to rent the movie. You'd get money for it.”

“I understand that. But I'm not going to call up and harass a customer who is allowed to have possession of my property until seven PM in order to make an extra three-fifty off it.”

“Well, when are you expecting it to get back?”

Fernando resists the urge to sigh in frustration. “Again, I don't control when people choose to return the movies they have. If I had the power to snap my fingers and have one of my copies materialize on the desk in front of me right now, I would. But I don't. Rest assured, Mr. Salami's at the top of the list for this thing and I will be giving him a call the minute I get one of my copies back. There's nothing more I can do.”

“What if none of them get returned?” she asks. “What if you get one back and don't call?”

“That would be idiocy on my part because I'd be negatively impacting my income. And to answer your first question, that's why I have late fees.”

“So you'll have one back before seven?” she asks, something vaguely resembling comprehension alight in her eyes even as her words reveal she's not at all following the words Fernando had been saying..

“Odds are pretty good I'll have one back before seven. None of my copies have been returned yet. But it's possible that I won't have any back before seven. In which case those people would be responsible for late fees. Like I said, I can't control what other people do.”

“Oh. Well, don't forget to call then!” she says, then leaves with her silent companion.

Fernando shakes his head and turns to his computer screen and opens the OpenOffice document in which he records his Chronicles. And he proceeds to write the very tale that has just been in part related.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, in part.