Nope, Still Not Family Video

Fernando sits in his throne one evening having an enlightening conversation with his geographically-separated buddy Laurentia about cat nicknames. She had just dubbed her two critters Princess Peach and Meowser, because one is a dainty girl-cat and the other one is “huge and thick and chases her around all the time.”

This being the best idea ever, Fernando heartily approves and as he informs Laurentia of his opinion, a pair of customers, one regular and one semi-regular, enter into the store. They shoot the breeze with one another for a while and share eldritch life-stories as they browse the aisles. One of them asks the other one if he knows where “a movie that has Jeff in it” is located, rather than asking the guy who owns the store and is more intimately connected with its inventory than he ever has been with any woman.

Fernando takes it upon himself to track down Jeff Who Lives at Home so that the two men can be on their merry ways with a minimum of fuss. “Is this the one you were thinking of?” Fernando asks, handing the second man the case in question.

“I think so. This is the only movie with Jeff in it?”

“Pretty sure. If I've got another one here then it's news to me.”

“Cool. Thanks, man.”

While Fernando returns to his place behind the counter to complete the rental procedures for his two guests, he hears the clatter of movies being deposited in his drop box. Fernando gives a quick glance over his shoulder at the sound. He sees a blue plastic case slowly slide through the opening like an azure turd.

I don't have any blue cases, Fernando thinks. They're all either clear, or red, or orange, or yellow. “Excuse me one second,” Fernando says to his customers.

He crosses the office and lifts up the blue-cased film. In the interim, other movies, some in blue cases and some in clear, continue to sneak inside the Dominion's walls. The film in question is Gangsters, Guns, and Zombies. Fernando has this movie in his inventory, but it's currently nestled on his shelf in a bright yellow case. This can't be his.

The barcode sticker which reads FAMILY VIDEO provides further evidence of that fact.

“Hey, hey, hold on!” Fernando shouts as he gathers the now-six films into his arms. He hustles out of the office and out the front door. A scruffy man in his early twenties bends over before the drop box with a bulging plastic Menard's bag dangling from the fingers of one hand. A self-rolled cigarette rests between his clamped lips and Fernando can smell the unmistakable aroma of plants in the genus Cannabis from ten feet away. The strange man shoves another movie into the slot even as Fernando speaks.

“Hey, uh...I'm not Family Video.”

“Wha?” he asks, tilting his head and looking at a place somewhat to Fernando's left. He mechanically inserts an eighth movie.

“I'm not Family Video. I can understand the confusion, seeing as we're both in the video rental business and have signs out in front of our respective stores, but I'm definitely not Family Video.” Fernando extends the six movies toward the man. He has no desire to deal with Family Video if there is any way for him to avoid it. “You should take these back.”

“Oh, thanks man.” Pokey Joe takes the six proffered movies and turns around. He begins walking to a beaten-up green sedan where another man, the getaway driver, sits behind the wheel.

“Let me get you those other two,” Fernando says. “I'll be right back.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Fernando reenters the store. His customers have wry smiles upon their faces as Fernando swings around the counter and back into the office to collect the remaining misdelivered discs. Then he heads back outside and turns them over to Pokey Joe's driver, as Pokey Joe himself had taken a seat in the passenger's side of his best friend's ride. “There you go. Have a good one.”

Pokey Joe's driver grunts, shifts gears, and pulls out of the Dominion's parking lot.

“I swear--” Fernando begins saying as he reenters the store. He is cut off by the unmistakable nng-tak-chrak-tak-chrak-tak of snowmobiles cruising across his parking lot.

“There's no snow!” Fernando shouts to nobody, except maybe a hidden Guardian Spider.

“You sound like you have a problem with those guys,” the second of Fernando's customers states.

“I really don't care as long as there's something appropriate for them to mobile across, but there isn't any, and those aren't asphalt-mobiles!”

Both of Fernando's guests laugh and pay and continue on with their lives. Fernando sits down to compose the anecdote. And here we are.