Precocious

Every year a boy who is the grandson of a lady who never, ever comes into the store stops by to visit his grandmother during his summer vacation. And every year during this visit he stops by the store every day and bothers Fernando by asking him endless questions about what movies that he hasn't seen are good (which requires going most of the way through the store's inventory to find something he hasn't seen in the first place) and why Movie X is located in Genre Y area and so forth. Fernando loves especially that The Boy is here right as he opens (or even beforehand, and who knocks on the door or window when Fernando is making the store presentable by vacuuming and cleaning the counters and sorting returns) and so there are no other customers needing help around to spare him this fate.

Most of the time the boy's hijinks are but petty annoyances, but one day The Boy went beyond the call of duty and entered full-blown obnoxious mode. Fernando was updating his inventory database with the week's new releases, and the positioning of his office coupled with the inherent lack of immersion of which database entry is capable made it all but impossible for anyone but the most highly-skilled of ninjas to escape his notice. So Fernando was fully aware when The Boy gallivanted up to the counter with a couple rental tags in his hands, and was already swiveling to assist him, when The Boy whistled. Not in a lackadaisical way, or even a sexually approving, stereotypical wolf whistle way (that would have been mighty, mighty creepy); but in a “come hither, yon servant, that ye may bask in my radiance” way.

Fernando was not amused. “You know that I knew you were there, right, and that I was already getting up to help you?”

“Yeah, but I wanted to make sure you knew I was here. You were busy playing your computer game.”

Fernando glances at his monitor, across which is plastered an incredibly unfun OpenOffice database. “I was updating my inventory on the computer for tomorrow's releases. Databases are the opposite of fun and don't require my full attention anyhow.”

The Boy is nonplussed. “Oh. I didn't know. I just wanted to be sure.”

“Now you are sure.”

More Advice

One of Fernando's regulars comes into the store and peruses his selection of X360 games for a short while as Fernando fills out his rental slip and fetches his movies. When the monetary exchange is made, the man says, “You don't have a huge-huge selection of X-Box games I see.”

“Well, they're $50 a pop,” Fernando replies. “And budgets being what they are, I'm forced to trickle them in far more...tricklingly than I would like. It would go more quickly if you helped me get a bigger budget to work with!” he adds, grinning rackishly and chuckling.

The customer gets the joke. “Well, you probably already know, but Family Video sells their X360 games for like $15 when they're through with them. It'll help you get a lot more for cheaper.”

Fernando thinks the man is still joking and laughs. Then the customer says, “No, I'm serious. It could really help you out.”

Now Fernando is no longer jocular. “Ok. I should give money to my biggest competitors to buy for my store a used game that is no longer even a new release that will be covered in their stickers?” Fernando pauses to give the customer a chance for rebuttal. When none was forthcoming, he continues, “That's right. I wouldn't. It would be silly. Notwithstanding Family Video has screwed me over before, so I'm even more disinclined to associate with them.”

“Sorry. I didn't think about the stickers.”

“Nah, no biggie,” Fernando responds. “It's not your job to think about what stickers are on which discs. Only lame people who own a video store need to do that.”

“I'll pick up Toy Story 3 tomorrow, then?”

“Yep, I'll have one waiting for you.”

And thus peace and order were restored.

Facial Recognition Software

Fernando is...well, put bluntly, he's pretty bad about remembering and sometimes distinguishing people. He's atrocious with names and not much better with faces. He once opined to one of his friends that he thinks Ashton Kutcher resembles John Krasinski, and was ridiculed endlessly for it.

One December afternoon (though it could very well be called “evening” because the sun goes down at about 3.30 PM) at around 4.30 a regular customer enters the store and browses about a bit. She asks Fernando for the location of The Nativity Story because it's about that time of year, and Fernando guides her to it. She picks out a couple of other movies and it's time for checkout.

“You've got a free rental coming, if you wanted to use it,” Fernando informs her as he fills out the slip.

She is away reading the upcoming releases posting and says, “Oh, that's nice. I didn't know my card was already filled. I remember you just starting me a new one last time I was in.”

Fernando shrugs noncommittally. “Well, that's because your old one got filled up. It comes to $7 all together.”

She digs about in her purse for money while Fernando retrieves the movies. When he returns to the counter, her face takes on a quizzical look. “Are you sure I've got a free rental? Because I don't think I could have filled another card so quickly.”

“Positive,” Fernando says with supreme confidence. He digs through the full cards pile and retrieves one bearing the name Tristana P., and sets it on the counter.

“How do you know it's mine?” the woman asks. She does not look at the card immediately, for she is filling out a slip for Fernando's weekly drawing.

“Well, your name's at the bottom. See?” Fernando points and she glances at the card after dropping the slip of paper in the bucket.

A pregnant silence ensues. Finally: “That's not me.”

“W-what? You were just in here a couple days ago and....” Fernando trails off.

“I'm Cassiopeia K.” She points to the bottom of the rental slip, at her signature, which is clearly not Tristana P.

Whoops. “Oh. Oh God. That...wow. I'm sorry. You look just like Tristana. Um, with your hair done like that.”

“Really? I saw her today. I don't think I do.”

“Um,” says Fernando, at this point trying to salvage whatever shreds are left of his dignity, “did you want me to start you off with a new card, then?”

“Please,” she says, smiling in mirth. Fernando does so and she departs after asking him to hold a couple of movies for her for the next day.

Fernando's software must be Adobe.

In a Timely Manner

Fernando does custom movie ordering for people who seek home entertainment, as he has the might of a distributor behind him. Usually these are the vanishingly rare DVD releases of movies originally released in the 1960s and 70s, because anybody can go down to Wal-Mart and pick up Riding in Cars With Boys for $5.

The first time Fernando did such a custom ordering was for a couple in November of 2009 for a movie called Gargoyles from 1972, as a Christmas gift for one of their extended family members. The people who wanted it asked if he could track it down; once Fernando did so and found out the price, they agreed to it, and so the order was put in. The movie arrived with Fernando's next weekly shipment, through some dint of fate. He called the couple up to let them know the movie was in and they assured him they would be down in a few days.

They failed to show. But life gets in the way, so he called them up again and left a message that their movie was still down at the Dominion, and waited.

And waited. A week later, another call.

Waiting.

Waiting.

About a week before Christmas, Fernando calls again, reminding them that that day of object-giving was almost here and that a movie can't very well be a Christmas gift if it isn't in one's possession before Christmas. To no avail. The holiday comes and goes.

Now Fernando has a pickle. He's got a movie from 1972 that no one has ever, ever heard of and that he spent good money on. He could toss it on the sales rack, but then it would be certainly sold at a loss. With his luck, the couple would come in just as the movie was sold for $8ish to someone else. So Fernando does the next best thing.

He sticks it on a very, very high shelf out of sight and forgets about it.

Months pass, until February of 2010. The people who put in the movie order from so very long ago return to the store for the first time in four months to rent a stack of movies. Ah-hah! thinks Fernando, now I can get my money on this thing at long last!

So Fernando reaches up to the high, out-of-sight shelf and retrieves Gargoyles, the plastic wrapper of which is by this point covered in a faint layer of dust. He wipes it off on his pants leg to make it more presentable.

"Yeah, um, I've still got your movie here." He sets the DVD on the counter.

"Oh wow! We totally forgot about coming by to pick it up!"

"Er. I called you guys up about four times throughout December."

"We must not have gotten the message then. But this is great. My sister-in-law's birthday is coming up!"

"Well, it's still $18. You should probably get this out of the way. One less thing on your to-do lists."

The husband looks to his wife. "Well, we don't have that much on hand right now. But we'll be in when we return these to pick it up, don't you worry."

Where have I heard that before? Fernando thinks a trifle bitterly to himself. The movies are rented and returned the next day, but no one entered the Dominion. And the waiting resumed. Gargoyles resumed its sad, lonely perch on Fernando's top shelf.

In the interests of vague brevity, the movie was finally paid for on March 18th, 2010. As of December 2009, Fernando asks for half the price of any custom orders to be paid as a deposit when the order is agreed-to.

Inadequacies

A small family unit enters Fernando's store one evening. Father, mother, 14ish-year-old son. Fernando greets them and they immediately fan out to browse the store. Everything seems harmless enough.

Then it begins.

“Hey, Mom! Look, Toy Story 3!” says the teenager.

Mother walks over and says in a very disapproving tone, “Toy Story 3? I didn't like that movie. It's gay.”

The son wanders somewhere else. “Oh, man. This place is so lame. They still have Playstation 2 titles back here. Twisted Metal Black? That game is so old!” Because, after all, there is zero profit, none, to be possibly made from keeping around games for a system that many people hereabouts still have and use. But, oh, right, it's for a gaming system that's not the current gen. That means it's obsolete and horrible.

Meanwhile the father is browsing somewhere else. “Shut Up and Sing? Why do they even have this here? It's crap. I would never watch it,” he comments to no one in particular. But he has caught onto Fernando nefarious plot to force people to watch all his movies! Dammit, the revelation of this secret plan must be nipped in the bud!

“How about Why Did I Get Married Too? That's a good one,” says the husband to the wife a few moments later.

“We don't need to rent it. I had a friend download it to my computer,” she responds, simultaneously admitting to digital piracy and ignorance of the difference between down-and uploading data.

“How come they don't have Halo for X-Box?” asks the son from over at the video game rack. “They have stuff for 360.” Which is for an outdated...fuck it. Logical coherence is dead.

Long story short they bitch about a bunch of other stuff supposedly wrong with the store and leave without renting. Fernando wonders why they haven't yet started their own rental business with their boundless knowledge.

Capacity for Capability

Man in his late teens/early 20s comes into the store. He seems familiar to Fernando but can't quite be placed. Fernando scours the late list for him in preparation but nothing jumps out, so he is content to wait. The man browses the store for a few minutes before selecting a movie tag and bringing it to the counter.

“Can I get your name?” Fernando asks, filling out the rental slip.

The man gives it, and realization dawns. This guy rented a couple of movies about six months back and had them out for three weeks before Fernando cut off late fees—older titles, both of them. The day Fernando was set to replace them and tack on an additional $40 to the late fee, they had appeared in his drop box, but it still added up to a hefty $88 all said and done. And this man was sequestered firmly on the do-not-rent list through this string of actions.

So Fernando informed the man of this, producing the rental slip in question, and he looked downright sheepish. He stammered out an apology and asked if he could rent if the bill was paid in full.

Now Fernando was speechless. Nobody—nobody--asks to pay the bill in full, especially not when getting loud and violent and threatening never to rent again was an option.

But that was indeed what came to pass! The bill was paid in full and the man was welcomed back to the store a reformed customer.

Cooperation

A young man comes into the Dominion one evening and selects a movie. He brings it up to the counter and Fernando informs him, “You've got about $20 in late fees. You wanna throw something on there?”

The other raises his hands defensively. “Whoa. Late fees?”

“Yeah. Hang on a second.” Fernando retreats to his magical file cabinet and digs through it a bit, retrieving the rental slip in question. “Sorry, $21.50.” He shows the young man the slip to show he's not pulling numbers out of his ass.

“I have to pay these off? C'mon, man.”

Fernando spreads his hands. “I mean, what do you want me to do? You had a movie out for over a week.”

“C'mon. I could've gone somewhere else. I'm just trying to help you out, stay local.”

“I appreciate that. But work with me here. Look at it from this side of the counter. Throw a couple bucks on it and we can nibble away at it. I'm not trying to be the bad guy here.”

“I'm not paying the whole thing.”

“And I'm not asking you to. Just a couple bucks. We can take care of the rest down the road.”

He rents his movie and throws $1.50 onto the late fee. Time will tell if Fernando's kindness pays off or bites him in the ass.