Business Politics

Three guys come into the store one evening near closing time. Fernando's never seen any of them before, and he presumes they are up here for either the off-road races two towns over or to slaughter some type of vertebrate life in their free time. Two of them fan out into the store while the third comes around the entry foyer and stands a few steps inside Fernando's office. “Hey, what's it take to rent here?” he asks.

“I just need name, address, driver's license, phone number, the basics,” replies Fernando.

The man nods. “Okay, okay. How do rentals work?”

“New releases are three-fifty, the older ones are two bucks a night. It's a buck-fifty for each additional night for the new releases and fifty cents each night for the older ones. They just have to be back by seven P.M. the following night.”

“That sounds good, sounds good,” says the man. “You got any good sports movies that come out lately?”

“Hmm...only one I can think of off the top of my head is Moneyball. Let me track that down for you.” Fernando rises from his seat and weaves among the trio of strange men to the movie's resting place on the rental rack. “Aside from that....” he continues, searching for something else having to do with sports.

One of the men whom we will refer to as “Vietnam” picks up the case and flips it over to read the back. “I won't watch this,” he says.

“Why not?” asks the second man, henceforth arbitrarily named Thailand.

Vietnam replaces the case. “It has that scumbag liberal Damon in it.” Fernando wishes he had some small proficiency in toxicology, as there was some grade-A venom lacing the man's words just waiting to be harvested and analyzed.

The third guy, the one who had first spoken with Fernando—we'll call him Laos—turns back to the Keeper. “Yeah, this one ain't gonna work.”

Well, alright. The invisible hand works in all directions. “Okay...uh, I've got All Things Fall Apart. It's football-themed, has Curtis Jackson. It's pretty much a more cynical Remember the Titans.”

The three men exchange a look. Laos speaks. “Eh, I don't think that's what we're going for either. What else you got?”

Fernando's cheeks puff out in a sigh. It's so hard to please people. “That's about it in terms of newer stuff in that vein. Sports drama isn't the most in-demand genre out there. I've got some older stuff—Invincible and stuff like that—if you're interested, though. The releases that've been really big lately are mostly action-thrillers and comedies.”

“What about action? Just straight action,” asks Thailand. Fernando surmises that genre of film must have a fewer scumbag liberals per capita.

“Guns-and-explosions action or ass-kickery fisticuffs action?”

Vietnam chuckles and shakes his head. “'Fisticuffs.' Get a load of this guy here.” Fernando ignores that.

“Give us the best of both,” says Laos.

“Alright. Hobo With a Shotgun's basically a homage to the single angry man seeking revenge for a slight done to him or his community movies from the '80s. Rutger Lauer plays a badass homeless man who's fed up with the mob.”

Laos nods. “Good action?”

Fernando shrugs. “He sticks a guy into a sewer access, ties a rope around his neck, and hitches the other end to a delivery truck.” Vietnam and Thailand make approving noises upon hearing that. Laos takes the case from the rack and carries it with him as Fernando guides them to the next item on his to-sell list.

“I've also got Haywire. It's a...well, I won't call it a kung-fu movie, but it's quite a bit like Fighting or Blood and Bone, stuff where people beat the everloving shit out of other people using parts of their body.” At this juncture Fernando tries putting a bit of a sell on a third movie. “The main actress is actually a professional martial artist so, while the acting suffers a little—kind of like how it was in Act of Valor, the one that had the SEALs—the actual choreography and execution of the fight scenes is spectacular.”

Laos selects that case too. He doesn't bite on Fernando's additional recommendation, however. “I think that's about it for tonight, yeah?” he asks, looking at his companions. They shrug and make noises of agreement. “Okay, get us set up to rent these things.”

Fernando nods. “Easily done.” He retrieves one of his applications and the three men silently bicker over who gets the honor of filling it out. The responsibility becomes Thailand's in the end. He jots down what needs jotting down, hands over his license for inspection without complaint (miraculous, that!) and completes the slip of paper to Fernando's approval.

“Alright, that's seven bucks then.” The men pay and get ready to leave.

“Oh, yeah, almost forgot!” Fernando says. “Friday and Saturday I've got complimentary microwave popcorn, if y'all'd like a bag.”

“Sure, sure, we'll take one,” says Laos. The man extends a hand out to Fernando after the bag of popcorn is transferred over. “You know, Fern, you're alright.” Fernando shakes his hand. “Firm grip, too,” Laos says with some surprise.

Fernando shrugs. “I do the best that I can.” With this, the three man depart.

The not-really-remarkable thing is that Vietnam's binary worldview, which is apparently constructed in no small measure through political inclinations, would immediately shunt Fernando into the scumbag segment of the population, yet Fernando ended the encounter quite amiably. This is something that far too many people both locally and on a nationwide scale don't or refuse to grasp: political leanings don't fucking matter if you're trying to be a good servitor to a customer. Only a douchebag injects (or interjects) politics into the personal business relationship between customer and provider. Be Keepers of your respective Dominions, not Morality Polices of the External World.