Season of the Bitch

A lady rents Season of the Witch one evening. The next day Fernando finds the movie in his dropbox, but with a folded piece of paper inside. Curious, Fernando reads what is written thereon:

“Scratched badly. Would not play. You owe me a rental.”

Fernando scowls at the paper, then at the disc. He lifts the DVD out of its holder and inspects the bottom. Minor marring does exist on the disc's underside, but that's to be expected of a movie that came out over a year prior. Certainly that small bit of wear should not render the disc unplayable.

More to the point, Fernando does not react well to people who order him around as though they are his betters.

Seeing as it was not even eleven in the morning, Fernando pops the movie in, prepares some coffee, and settles down to watch it through. Tangentially, Fernando shares reviewers' opinions that it is a plodding mess without any real tension or reason for viewers to invest in the characters. It could have been something much better than it was, perhaps some sort of guilty pleasure dark fantasy adventure romp like Van Helsing (though that movie is helped out a great deal by the presence of the charming Kate Beckinsale), but instead the creators squandered Ron Perlman's potential for cinematic gravitas.

As a result, after twenty-odd minutes Fernando is playing a game of League of Legends while the movie continues in the background.

Once the not-so-scary demon is slain and all the characters who aren't Nicolas Cage are inured, Fernando shuts off the DVD player and television and gives the lady a call.

-Ring ring ring ring ring-

“Hello?”

“Yes, this is Fernando calling from the Dominion of Movies. I received your note.”

“Oh, good.”

“Yeah, I just gave the movie a playthrough. It played just fine for me and there's no evidence at all of 'bad scratching.'”

“You can't have done it already. You only opened half an hour ago.”

“Contrary to popular belief, I must give up on my busy social schedule to arrive at the store early. I've been here all morning. That being said, if you would like to rerent Season of the Witch today or some other time you are more than welcome.”

“It won't work on my player.”

“Perhaps the DVD player on which it was played is in need of cleaning. Like I said, you are welcome to have it gratis some other time.”

“I don't want that one. I want a different one.”

“How far in did you get before it skipped?”

“What?”

“How far in did you get before it skipped? When did it start acting up?”

“In the middle.”

“What scene was it? What was happening?”

Silence. Fernando waits a few moments before continuing.

“I'm sorry. You can have Season of the Witch or you can have nothing.”

“I don't want that one!” the woman shouts.

“I'm sorry. I won't be held responsible for people choosing a crappy movie and regretting it afterwards, then trying to leverage it into something better. Have a good day.”

He hangs up.

The woman in question is a white lady in her 50s. Being an asshole grifter really does cross all demographic boundaries.