Sunday, April 22, 2012

Fernando's Adventure


A sign appeared in the Dominion's window one day in early April, and a scaled-down version of this sign also appeared in local advertisers. People gazed upon it and despair bloomed in the pits of their stomachs. It upset the delicate balance of daily life in the lands which the Dominion served. Fernando's customers expressed concern and curiosity regarding the words written upon the sign, and more than once wondered if life would ever be the same for them.

The sign read: “The Dominion of Movies will be closed from April 20th to April 22nd. Normal business hours will resume on the 23rd.”

Such a thing was unheard of to the populace, for the Dominion never closed. Fernando's presence behind the counter and his obligation to provide movie entertainment to (nearly) all who entered was something that had been taken for granted, an immutable fact of life much like the sunrise or the inevitable destruction of personal property. After all, this was the first time in three years Fernando would have time off from the store on a day that was not a giant holiday, and even in those cases Fernando kept open for at least part of the business day. A three-day vacation at the end of April? Unheard of.

Of course, the particular dates Fernando was taking off resulted in a few of Fernando's customers annoyingly making not-very-witty comments which led to conversations that really just bugged the shit out of Fernando.

“Hey, Fernie, I see you're taking off 4/20. Never would've figured you were one to light 'em up.”

“Er. Not really.”

“You do know what 4/20 means, right?”

And here I thought there was only an arbitrary significance to that particular date. Deep thoughts with potheads.”

Naturally, stoner culture wasn't the only source of potential d'ho-ho-ho. Two other people came in and started off conversations in a roughly similar way:

“Taking off 4/20, hey? Where're you headed?”

Fernando had no real desire to share his travel plans with most of his customer base, so he answered these two men with oblique deflection. “I have obligations out of town.”

In the first case, the conversation then progressed: “Heading to a Klan rally, huh?”

“Not really. I don't see what that has to do with the twentieth of April.”

“Hitler's birthday, man. I thought you were German.”

Right. Because when I hear 'Ku Klux Klan rally' I immediately think, 'Oh, that fits in so well with my cultural heritage and personal ideology.'”

“Hitler killed the Jews though.”

Right. Because, again, my personal ideology and cultural heritage demand that I venerate one of history's greatest jackasses. It's like Germany was the only country, ever, to have made horrible decisions and done impossibly stupid shit.”

“Man, it was just a joke.”

“Not a very good one.”

In the second case, the man next said, “You know that's Hitler's birthday, right.”

“Yes. It's also George Takei's birthday. I far prefer the latter to the former.”

“I just wanted to be sure you knew because I know that you're part German so people might try to make things awkward for you.”

“That's a self-fulfilling prophecy at its finest.”

The customer, who was not one of Fernando's brightest, looked at him in confusion for a moment, realized he had no idea what Fernando had just said, and then changed the subject to Pirates of the Caribbean.

A few (far too few) of Fernando's customers approached him and asked variations on, “So, why are you closing up over the weekend?”

Fernando answered these blunt souls honestly. “I'm heading down to Madison to attend a convention.”

Some of the customers looked at Fernando strangely or with disapproval, but in all fairness they should expect such horrible and nerdy things from him. Others said words like, “Oh, that should be fun!” or, “Well, you deserve a little break.” On exactly two occasions the person than asked, “What kind of convention?”

“It's a sci-fi con, well, mostly sci-fi. We're heading down there pretty much only because John Kovalic will be there.”

“Who?”

He does the art for Munchkin and produces Dork Tower. It's a comic series about nerdish things like gaming and...gaming.”

Unfortunately, this explanation didn't help clarify things any, but the people in question responded with aplomb. “Well, I hope you have a great time!”

The night of the 19th came and Fernando should have slept. He was traveling southward in the company of Ronaldo, and the pair had planned on getting a very early start on things by leaving at 6:30 or thereabouts. Instead Fernando found himself unable to drift away. He passed the time by playing League of Legends or Majesty. At around 5:30 AM on the 20th, Fernando received a text message from Ronaldo: “Hey, are you up?”

“Absolutely I am,” Fernando responds. “You want to come over and have some coffee before we head out?”

“Sure. I'll be right there.”

The journey was about to begin.

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