Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Logic 102

It's a Friday afternoon and, as always, Fernando has the free popcorn ready and raring to go for those who would wish to enjoy it. A guy who'd been in the store a number of times in the past and who had, in fact, rented on Fridays previously picks up a couple of movies.

Receipt or popcorn?” asks Fernando after he hands the man his change.

Huh?” is the response.

I've got free popcorn on weekends, if you'd like a bag, and you're always welcome to the receipt of course,” explains Fernando, tugging at the yellow carbon copy receipt attached to the rental slip proper.

Do I have to take both?”

Tezcatlipoca help me. “Er. No. That's why I used the word 'or' instead of 'and.' You can take both if you want but you're not forced to. In fact, you're not forced to take either, if you don't want either.”

You should have just said that I don't have to take it.” Then, after a brief pause: “But I'll take popcorn.”

Aghflabl.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Big Money

A teenager and his girlfriend come into the store right after opening time one day. They rent a single $1 movie. Fernando fills out the rental slip, tells them the total, and goes to retrieve the disc.

When Fernando returns he looks down to see Ben Franklin's face stamped upon the bill resting on the countertop.

You don't have anything smaller?” Fernando asks.

I want to break it,” says the teenager in response.

I recognize this fact. But it's a one hundred dollar bill. I just opened, and cashing change for that would effectively ruin my till for the rest of the day.”

I want to break it,” the young man repeats. “You have to take it because that's what I'm paying with.”

Okay, fine then. Hang on a second.” Fernando takes the hundred and heads to his deposit envelope. He places the hundred inside and withdraws an equivalent amount of change: four twenties and a pair of tens. Then he hands the twenties and one ten over.

The other one he makes change for. It just so happens that somebody the day before had paid for couple rentals all in quarters, dimes, and nickels, so Fernando was able to clean that clutter out of his till. The remaining difference he reaches through ones. “There ya go.”

Dude, that ain't cool,” the teen whines, nonetheless taking the money and sequestering it.

Neither is paying with a hundred when you have a one dollar bill right there, after I told you how big a pain in the ass it would be to change out from my start till,” says Fernando, pointing to a piece of crinkled, Washington-emblazoned paper money the customer has nestled in his wallet. Then Fernando smiles. “Have a nice day.”

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Aesthetics and Earnings

A high school girl is browsing the store one afternoon. “Have you watched all the movies you have here?” she asks.

I'm afraid not,” answers Fernando. “Lots of them don't really appeal to me. That one, for instance,” he continues, nodding his head to the Beastly case she holds in her hands.

That sucks. You shouldn't have to get movies you don't want to watch. I wouldn't if I had this place.”

If that were the case, you would quickly discover your income to be greatly depressed, and I guarantee that you'd change your mind rather quickly."

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Clocking In

At around four in the afternoon a young woman bolts across the parking lot from where she had just pulled up. She had just opened a new account about a week before and had been in to rent a couple of times since then. She hauls ass into the store and slams three movies down upon the counter's surface and brushes strands of hair away from her forehead. “Am I late?” she asks.

Fernando blinks in surprise. “No. Not at all. Not even close. I admire your dedication, though.”

She breaths a sigh of relief. “Okay. You said they had to be back by seven, and it's after four now.”

Fernando approaches the counter to replace the movies on the shelves. “You...you thought I meant seven in the morning?” he asks, pausing in his labors.

Well, yeah,” she admits with a small fidget of embarrassment.

God, that would make me the worst kind of sadist in the world.”

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Direction Sense

A guy Fernando has never seen before enters the Dominion one afternoon. He browses about the store for a bit, then approached the counter. “Yeah, how far along until I get to Inuitland?”

It's about a half-hour's drive straight thattaway,” says Fernando, pointing along the highway. “Just follow the road and you'll get there no problem.”

And that's where the fair is?”

It is indeed.”

For a moment the stranger flips through Fernando's Adopt-a-Movie box. “Okay, thanks. Are these for sale?”

Yessir. Four dollars apiece, with the price lowering to two bucks after the first two.”

Alright.” And then the man turns and leaves the store.

Fernando didn't see the point in the man feigning interest in Fernando's product if all he needed were directions. What was Fernando going to do, mislead him in a fit of juvenile pique? There is sign on the highway not one mile from the Dominion that would reveal the falsity of any untruths Fernando might have said!

Silly humans.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Truth Through Power

Customer rents Spy Kids 3D. Customer returns Spy Kids 3D the next day. Problem is, customer neglected to return the 3D glasses with the discs. No big deal. Fernando calls her up.

-Ring ring ring-

Hey.”

Yeah, hi, this is Fernando calling--”

You've reached Celes. I can't come to the phone right now but leave a message and I'll call you back. Bye!”

In the real world, Fernando is now seething at this recorded message. But he allows no trace of ire to creep into his voice. “Yeah, hi, this is Fernando calling from the Dominion of Movies. I'm just calling to let you know that when you returned Spy Kids 3D today you accidentally forgot the glasses that came with it. So if you could just drop them off sometime, that's be great. Bye.”

Time passes and eventually the lady's boyfriend and their children come to the store. They pick out a couple of movies.

I don't know if you guys got my message earlier,” says Fernando at the counter, “but you accidentally forgot the glasses when you returned Spy Kids.”

No I didn't,” says the boyfriend.

Er. You did. See?” Fernando reaches for the shelf next to him and retrieves the set-aside case. “It's no big deal. You can just bring them when you return these ones tomorrow.”

Caught in his misstatement, the gentleman agrees to Fernando's reasonable request and peace is maintained in the Dominion thereby.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Super? More Like Mediocre

I want to like the movie Super, starring Rainn Wilson and Ellen Paige, more than I do. I want to believe that there's some sort of cohesive message in this movie's garbled set of images and dialogue. The writer and director, Mr. James Gunn, probably feels he has communicated a statement about violence-glorification in American media and personal growth, but I just don't see it.

Rainn Wilson is Frank, who acts pretty much like Dwight Schrute would if he were a short-order cook married to Liv Tyler instead of a paper salesman. Liv Tyler is disenchanted with her marriage, and so enters Jacques/Jock, portrayed by the ever-enjoyable Kevin Bacon. He's a drug pusher and pimp and he has a malicious hold over Ms. Tyler. She is a recovering drug addict, though she's not very good at the whole “recovery” thing, and she ditches Mr. Wilson in favor of her new paramour/drug dispensary. This rightly upsets our hero, enough that he has a religious epiphany starring Nathan Fillion in which he decides to become a superhero named the Crimson Bolt who whacks baddies with a wrench. “Baddies” in this case range from child molesters to people who cut in line at a movie theater. Yep.

He's eventually joined in his quest for righteous retribution by Ellen Paige, a 22-year-old comic store employee who has a weird sexual fetish for Mr. Wilson's superhero persona. Together they fight, and simultaneously perpetrate, crime. Eventually the obligatory happy ending is achieved, despite this being labeled as a “dark” comedy. Insert eye-roll here.

My displeasure with this film stems firstly from its inconsistency regarding its fetishistic use of violence. Mr. Wilson is not a particularly nice guy; in fact he's a pretty selfish bastard. Okay, viewers can buy that. Not all protagonists need to be shining avatars of goodness, and there's this faux-existentialist, quasi-nihilist malaise that seems to afflict most of our protagonists in recent years. He's, first and foremost, devoted to his wife (can't fault him that, I suppose) and, second, to upholding “the rules.” The problem is that he is a great big hypocrite about those selfsame rules, especially when it comes to rescuing his wife from the clutches of the nefarious Kevin Bacon. If it's okay for him to break the norms of society in pursuit of his own interests, how can it be justified that other people are in the moral wrong for doing the things for which they, apparently, deserve punishment? The movie never addresses this ethical knot and it doesn't do a particularly good job of comparing Frank's moral situation vis-a-vis his victims', though it does a whole hell of a lot of contrasting.

Second, there's the matter of Boltie. Ellen Paige did a marvelous job portraying the stereotypical annoying kid sidekick. At one point near the end of the movie some events occur and something life-changing happens to Boltie and, by extension, the Crimson Bolt. During the film's denouement, a whole hell of a lot of time and attention is given to Frank and his wife's life-situations, but none to the fallout of what befell Boltie. This happens after it was emphasized more than once that there exist real-life repercussions for Crimson Bolt and Boltie's antics, up to and including police investigation of the vigilantism. Leaving such a gross plot thread unresolved by the credits is more than merely unsatisfying; it's outright lazy. There's also the little matter of her, at one point, raping Frank. You read right. Last I checked, rape was not something to be condoned, but Frank takes to the act with considerable aplomb once he goes through a superficial resistance phase. More of that “it's ethical when I or my buddies do it” moralizing, I guess? Or there's an exception to the “rape is bad” rule when it's girl-on-guy? The incident, at any rate, is forgotten by both parties by the time the next scene opens.

Maybe, just maybe, my critiques are in fact what the director wanted to achieve with this film. Maybe he was less concerned with creating verisimilitude in his fiction and more intent on exploring the metafiction of the vigilante superhero genre through calling out its inherent inconsistencies. But if that was his intent, it was done clumsily. He played too many other tropes straight when he should have deconstructed and subverted nearly all of them, and what resulted was a confusing clusterfuck that feels as if it came from the second draft of a script rather than a polished, tight final product. There exist worse movies, to be sure, but a positive, must-see recommendation for Super is not something I feel I can give. Give it a go if you're specifically craving a superhero deconstruction film and are sick of Watchmen, but be aware the movie's title in no way describes the quality of its contents.