Sunday, December 1, 2013

We're the Necrotizing Fasciitis

A woman in her late 30s comes into the store one evening. She is a semi-regular customer and had not been to the store in a few months. Fernando greets her and she greets him back. Hell, she even goes beyond the bare minimum of social nicety to ask Fernando how he has been since she last saw him.
"I'm well. Keeping on keeping on, doing the best that I can," he answers. "Yourself?"
"I'm good. My daughter is having a slumber party tonight, so a bunch of her friends are over and they wanted me to pick out some movies for her. Do you have We're the Millers in?"
"Yeah, that's right over here," Fernando tells her, exiting the office to pluck one of the tags from the case. The front reads EXTENDED CUT in big yellow letters, and the woman notices this fact and is likely savvy enough to realize what it entails. She picks up the case and reads the back. Her expression sours and her eyes narrow as she scans the great large box on the back side which has the laundry list of reasons the movie is rated R.
"This is unrated?" she asks him with a slight frown.
"Profoundly so, yes," Fernando tells her. "It out-Hangovers The Hangover."
"Is it just raunchy humor?"
"That, and I feel like I would be remiss not to warn you about the spider bite scene."
"Why, what's so bad about it? It doesn't sound so bad."
"Well, the bite is on a penis."
Her expression wavers between confusion and bemusement. "That still doesn't sound--"
"They show the penis."
The woman stares at Fernando, blinks a few times, then quietly places the case back on the rack. "Let's not get that one, then. Probably not a good idea for twelve-year old girls to be seeing that."
"Probably not."
She scans the rack with a frustrated sigh. "There aren't any other good comedies in right now, either." She taps the case for Grown Ups 2 irately, for all copies of that film were leased out at that moment.
Fernando shrugs. "I can recommend Monsters University."
"Why, is it funny?"
"It has its moments. Mainly it's because it's a good movie. Great movie, in fact. Not quite as good as Monsters, Inc. but by no means does this render it low-quality. I'm old so I'm not allowed to like new things as much as their earlier iterations. It's a nine instead of a ten, is all."
"That sounds really good actually. I'll take it."
And that's how it's done.

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