The Chain Lengthens

Once upon a time, a pretty young lady came to the Dominion and Fernando visited a morally repugnant thing upon her, not paying attention in the slightest to her overall well-being. Fernando is certain that she does not look at Fernando, or the world, the same way as she did before the vile happening transpired. All semblance of trust and joy was leeched from her life on that fateful night.

This refers, of course, to the time Fernando convinced this innocent soul into renting the soul-crushing horror which is The Human Centipede.

She enters the Dominion one afternoon with a companion, another young lady who is a fairly regular customer. They approach the counter.

“Hey, do you have Batman and Robin?” the second girl asks.

“Oh god,” says Fernando, somewhat taken aback by the highly unorthodox request. “I think we once had it on VHS but it--”

“Got sold?” she interjects.

Fernando nods. “That, or it just up and died.”

“You never picked it up on DVD?”

“Well, this would've happened long before I ever set foot in this place, since I don't recall a copy of that movie being here even then,” Fernando says. “And it never really struck me as a high priority considering how, um, negative popular perception of it is.”

“I love that movie!” says the second girl. “She's never seen it and we've looked everywhere for it but can't find it.”

“I'm not surprised.”

“She tells me it's pretty awesome,” says the first girl.

“For various definitions of 'awesome,' sure. You could definitely do worse.”

The first girl chuckles. “Yeah, like that centipede movie.”

The other girl turns to face the first. “What centipede movie?”

“Human Centipede. It's pretty horrible,” says Fernando. He addresses the first girl again. “Did you know they made a sequel and there are rumbles of a third one?”

Her face grows pale. “Oh god.”

“Yeah, the sequel came out in like February. I did not deign to pick it up. I only got the first one for the 'so-bad-it's-good' crowd, but that one was enough. I'm not giving any more money directly to the people making it because I like to think I have integrity.”

“You say that, but you don't have Batman and Robin!” the second girl says, seizing upon the conversational opening to shame Fernando.

“I said I like to think I have it, not that I necessarily do. But tell you what. I have to search about for a new copy of The Dark Knight anyway, since my copy now looks and plays like someone took a dump on it. If I come across a bundle-deal-thing for that and maybe some of the other older Batman movies, and it's not unreasonably priced, I'll see about picking it up.”

“Well, I don't care about the other ones. I just want that one!”

Fernando dips his head downward in a quick nod. “Fair enough.”

“If I leave you my number, will you call me if you pick it up?”

“Absolutely I can.” Fernando fetches pen and paper and scribbles down the number she offered him. He is a smooth operator.

Then, because Fernando is ever one to test the boundaries of the relationships he forges with others, he asks the girl, “So, you want to rent Human Centipede then?”

She wisely declines.