We're the Necrotizing Fasciitis

A woman in her late 30s comes into the store one evening. She is a semi-regular customer and had not been to the store in a few months. Fernando greets her and she greets him back. Hell, she even goes beyond the bare minimum of social nicety to ask Fernando how he has been since she last saw him.

"I'm well. Keeping on keeping on, doing the best that I can," he answers. "Yourself?"

"I'm good. My daughter is having a slumber party tonight, so a bunch of her friends are over and they wanted me to pick out some movies for her. Do you have We're the Millers in?"

"Yeah, that's right over here," Fernando tells her, exiting the office to pluck one of the tags from the case. The front reads EXTENDED CUT in big yellow letters, and the woman notices this fact and is likely savvy enough to realize what it entails. She picks up the case and reads the back. Her expression sours and her eyes narrow as she scans the great large box on the back side which has the laundry list of reasons the movie is rated R.

"This is unrated?" she asks him with a slight frown.

"Profoundly so, yes," Fernando tells her. "It out-Hangovers The Hangover."

"Is it just raunchy humor?"

"That, and I feel like I would be remiss not to warn you about the spider bite scene."

"Why, what's so bad about it? It doesn't sound so bad."

"Well, the bite is on a penis."

Her expression wavers between confusion and bemusement. "That still doesn't sound--"

"They show the penis."

The woman stares at Fernando, blinks a few times, then quietly places the case back on the rack. "Let's not get that one, then. Probably not a good idea for twelve-year old girls to be seeing that."

"Probably not."

She scans the rack with a frustrated sigh. "There aren't any other good comedies in right now, either." She taps the case for Grown Ups 2 irately, for all copies of that film were leased out at that moment.

Fernando shrugs. "I can recommend Monsters University."

"Why, is it funny?"

"It has its moments. Mainly it's because it's a good movie. Great movie, in fact. Not quite as good as Monsters, Inc. but by no means does this render it low-quality. I'm old so I'm not allowed to like new things as much as their earlier iterations. It's a nine instead of a ten, is all."

"That sounds really good actually. I'll take it."

And that's how it's done.

Overthought

 “What's a good comedy that came out recently?” a woman Fernando estimates to be in her 30s asks one afternoon.

“Well, I've got The Campaign, with Will Ferrell. I've heard fairly decent things about that one. Um...other than that, Magic Mike is still doing rather well, That's My Boy if you're into Adam Sandler--”

“What's the one you said before?” the woman asks.

“The Campaign?”

“No, the magic one.”

“Magic Mike. Yeah, that one's right here.” Fernando escorts the lady to the case's location, proudly sitting at #2 on the Dominion's Top Ten Rentals shelf.

She inspects the case for a moment, turning it over to read the back. “Okay, I'll take this one.” Fernando snatches a tag from the case and fills out the rental slip like every other time this has happened over his half a decade of working at the place. The woman pays and, since it is a Friday, Fernando asks if she would like popcorn. She declines his offer and departs.

It is now the following day at around 6 PM. The sun has long since vanished from the sky and it is pitch black outside, for the moon is new and shadow cloaks all the land. A vehicle pulls up directly outside of the store, blocking the windows through which Fernando sees the world and cold seeps into the Dominion to torment the feet of its Keeper.

It's the woman from the day before, with the movie. “This movie, oh my word,” she says to Fernando. “It is the worst thing I've ever seen.”

“I'm sorry?” Fernando says, somewhat confused. While Fernando has not seen this film, not being particularly enamored of attractive shirtless men shaking their thang all over the humpty-dump Idon'tevenknowwhatI'mtryingtosayanymore, he trusts in the reviews he has read about how the demographic of the American population which finds such things to be of interest thinks the movie is a great and wonderful thing.

“Yeah, it was really lewd.”

Fernando is not sure how to best respond to that. He tries repetition. “I'm sorry. I thought the case makes a pretty decent, um, argument as to what the contents of that movie would be.”

“No, I thought the case was that way in order to entice people to watch it.”

“Well, yeah. It's a movie about male strippers. That's what's on the front of the case, and I'm pretty sure the back also refers to their profession as such.”

“Yes, but it's misleading. I didn't think the movie would be that bad.”

“...It's a movie about male strippers. Strippers who happen to be males, not the other way around.”

The woman sniffs. “I just don't think you should be renting that out to anybody else, is all. I know I'll be telling people to avoid it.” She leaves.

On the one hand, Fernando lauds the woman's willingness to call into question the blatant salesmanship that is built into the pictures and words on the covers of each and every DVD case, to the point that she disbelieved a movie advertised to be about the antics of male strippers was not, in fact, about the antics of male strippers. On the other hand, the movie claims to be about the antics of male strippers. To not include male stripper antics in a movie which advertises male stripper antics seems like a horrible business decision that would alienate the people who wanted to see it for that reason.

Fernando calls the whole thing a wash.

End of an Era

Fernando made the mistake of ordering Bloodlust Zombies from his distributor about a year ago. He is not an infallible man in selecting which DVDs may populate the Dominion, despite what everyone seems to believe, but this seeming error worked out most splendidly in the end, for that movie had one of the highest returns on investment out of anything he's ever picked up. A sizable number of the people who rented it reported misgivings to Fernando when they returned, but none of them blamed Fernando for their choice. Deep down, they knew the fault was theirs. Bloodlust Zombies just wasn't the film for them. It is the metaphorical crooked pot forever in search of its matching lid.

One day Fernando is combing through his inventory in search of things to stick in the Adopt-a-Movie Box, for the Great Film Migration will soon be underway and he needs to find space for all the movies about to be shunted to the far corners of the store. As Fernando sifts through his cases, he stumbles across his old friend, the worst zombie movie anyone's ever seen.

He picks up the case and studies it. Alexis Texas is there on the cover holding an ax, spatters of fake blood strategically obscuring any naughty bits that might otherwise have been visible through her so-white-it’s-translucent shirt. While Bloodlust Zombies had done its part in fattening Fernando's pocketbook, the sad fact is that no one had rented it for the past four months or so, and it was not exactly a paragon of film history that needed to be kept at the store for posterity.

People misunderstood it. Fernando himself was guilty of this prejudice, he realized after it was far too late to change things.

A metaphysical tear trickles from the corner of Fernando's eye as he contemplates the difficult choice he faces. Finally he says the dreaded words he knew must be said: “Yeah, it's time.” Maybe they provided some small measure of comfort to this poor, unfortunate victim of his ruthless culling. He tucks it under his arm alongside Conviction, Rabbit Hole, and a few others. They're all placed into the Adopt-a-Movie Box with superlative reverence.

One of Fernando's regular customers comes in a couple weeks later. “Hey, I see you've restocked the box here,” he says while Fernando processes the rental tags he'd brought up to the counter.

“Indeed so. It's a pretty broad variety this time around. I pulled a lot of them from the ass end of the new release racks.”

“Hey, I don't think I ever saw this one,” the man says, pulling one of the cases out. Fernando is around the corner in the depths of the office retrieving movies, so he does not immediately see which movie the man has retrieved. “How much for these again?”

“Four bucks,” Fernando answers as he returns to the realms of light and happiness.

“Cool. Add this one on for me then. Four bucks isn't that big a loss if it happens to be astinker, right?”

Fernando now sees which item his customer is considering for purchase, and it is indeed the world's most not-zombie zombie movie. “No, no it is not,” says Fernando, who takes the case, places the disc inside, and relinquishes his ownership over one of the Dominion's most infamous fixtures.

If you truly love something, you need to be willing to let it go. Sometimes things need to move on, to spread their wings and travel to lands unknown and to see sights as-yet unseen. Fly on, Bloodlust Zombies. Share your special brand of happiness with everyone across the land. Give others the blessing of your inestimable company. Find your crooked lid videophile soulmate.

I will always treasure the time we spent together.

Attack of the Gays

Ronaldo is at the store one afternoon. He and Fernando discuss menu options at an upcoming gala which will be held at the Dominion when a middle-aged woman enters. Ronaldo retreats to the back room to allow Fernando to ply his trade without interruption. The lady browses Fernando's sales rack and purchases a movie. As Fernando prepares it for her, she peruses the Adopt-a-Movie Box. “What's this?” she asks.

“That is my Adopt-a-Movie Box,” Fernando says. “Those are four bucks apiece or, if you have at least eight dollars in purchases already, then they're only two apiece.”

“What do you have in here?”

“Little bit of everything. There's only so much floor space available for inventory so I need to keep a conveyor of movie turnover going.”

The lady pulls out a case and reads the back of it. “Oh, I like him a lot,” she says. “This would be two dollars?”

“Absolutely.” The film in question is Colin Firth's A Single Man.

She flips the case over to the front, then rereads the back. “I'll take it.” Fernando has a merry search trying to find where that movie is hiding since it was not where it ought to have been. But it could not hide forever and so Fernando was able to clear up a tiny bit more inventory space.

After she pays, but before she goes, she asks Fernando, “Have you seen it?”

“Can't say that I have,” Fernando answers. “It got pretty good reviews from critics though, as I recall.”

“Oh, I wanted to be sure this isn't the one where he's....” She trails off and lowers her voice as if she is about to impart a great and dark secret to Fernando. “Gay.”

“Um, that I couldn't tell you off the top of my head,” Fernando truthfully answers.

“Okay, but I'm letting you know that if this is that one I'll be returning it.” Then she leaves.

Note to self: Do not ever try to put a sell on her for Milk.

Alternate ending: Fernando supposes that if he's allowed to disdain certain movies for the reasons he find them disdainful, others can't be faulted for not wanting to see Colin Firth getting hot and sweaty with some other guy.

P.P.S.: Never mention Game of Thrones to her either.

UPDATE: Three days after the movie was sold, Fernando finds the case nestled in his drop box when he comes into the store. Inside is the disc and a note reading, “You can have this back. He's gay in it.”

Codename: Adult Stuff

A guy who looks like a frat boy circa Fernando's tenure at college comes into the store one day. He's got it all: polo shirt, wrap-around sunglasses, blonde highlights. Fernando had never seen him before.

“Hello,” Fernando greets him.

The guy seems surprised to find Fernando sitting at his desk behind the counter. “Oh, hey man.” He leans in conspiratorially. “Listen, you got any adult stuff for sale here?”

Fernando can play the sneaky-sneak game. “No, sorry to say,” he says in a low voice.

“Shit. You know where I could get some?”

“Family Video might have some, if you care to drive half an hour in any direction. If not, there's the adult bookstore up in Inuitland. Else the internet exists. It's sort of ubiquitous on there.”

“Alright. Cheers, man.” The stranger departs.

Hopefully the guy wasn't speaking in cryptograms about something considerably more nefarious than spank material.

We've Got It All!

Fernando doesn't usually do much writing that isn't prose for any number of reasons, the fact that he's not very good at it being foremost among them. That being said, the urge struck following a phone call Fernando received on a Sunday. Creative liberties have been taken with the ensuing conversation which has been related. Words that are used may not have been said exactly as they are written. People don't usually speak in a way conducive to lyric doggerel.

Four on Sunday afternoon, the phone decides to ring

Fernando crosses over and says into the plastic thing

Like a gent it's:

“Hi, Dominion of Movies, how can I help you today?”

“You got some VHS there that I can buy to play?”

“Absolutely, I do, now!

“What kind you wanting?”

Come down to see!

We've got it all on VHS.

“Fair bit of horror

Action, kids', comedy.”

We've got it all on VHS.

“Buck apiece for starters,

Six-for-five deal's the norm.

The only kind I lack is the ubiquitous porn.”

We've got it all

(Or nearly all)

On VHS

Stranger on the phone takes deliberation time

Then says, “That don't help me much. Hoped X-rated could be mine.”

Fernando answers,

“Sorry that I cannot help you.” “Well, you got any on DVD?”

Fernando palms his face in abject misery

(Happens a lot, don't you see, now?)

We've got some drama

Some westerns too

We've got it all on DVD

Care for a war film?

Sci-fi/fantasy stew?

We've got it all on DVD

“I'm sorry again.

It's an unnecessary risk

Attaining porn for the back room on video disc.”

We've got it all

(Well, nearly all)

On DVD

“What kind of store do you run?

You know what people like?

Pick up some, and then I'll come down, and fast!”

“Twenty bucks a movie, and shipping too,

I'll get right on it...wait, lemme think, no.

I'll pass.”

Hot new releases

Oldies to boot

A weekly rent-one-get-one-free

Some games as well here

With more and more taking root

(For most part on X360)

It's not that I'm prudish

It's I don't see the point

Wrangling with a provider of skin flicks for this joint

I've got it all

(Quite close to all)

On DVD

Apologies to Mr. Yankovic.

Derp

It's a Friday, frigid and hateful. Fernando sits in his office and is speaking on the Book of Faces with one of his compatriots, Oso Hija. The conversation is mundane and soon the topic turns to work because that is apparently what adults talk about.

“Today is a super-duper slow day for me,” types Fernando. “I have not made a single cent!”

“That's because you need more exciting advertising!”

“Like what?”

Oso Hija links Fernando to a page full of neon signs which can be purchased. There is an abundance of ones that read “Live Nudes” and “PORN!” Oso Hija can be quite the comedienne at times.

“Are you suggesting that I attain live nudes?”

“You can get the PORN! sign, and just start carrying porn movies. Think of all the business you'd generate!”

Fernando is about to respond to her with a comment about how he likes maintaining the sanctity of his back room when a vehicle pulls up, then backs up in front of the window. The driver looks at Fernando in confusion, and Fernando has no idea what is going on. The man shrugs and points over to Fernando's front door, so Fernando gets up to check it out. Maybe an animal was turned into road pizza or something.

But, no. Fernando was just a derper and forgot to flip his freaking sign to OPEN. He remedies this and has a sudden, mad influx of custom to the store.

When he finally has a spare moment to attend the conversation on the computer, Oso Hija tells him, “That's okay. Nobody's perfect!” Then, after a pause, “You should write a blog about this!”

“That would make me look bad.”

“Exactly!”

Okay, Oso Hija. You win.

Violence in Movies, Sex in Movies Too

So, Fernando has a horrible movie in his inventory called Bloodlust Zombies. It is, according to the people who have rented it, bad by every objective measure. Fernando markets it as the worst movie in the store. He makes decent profit thereby. Like a butcher's challenge meets bile fascination (come to think of it, Fernando should create a wall honoring the men and women who have survived the film's depravity....).

One day a thirty-something regular comes in and selects the film after a minimal bit of sales pitching. He takes the movie home among his other rentals and returns the next day. “That movie, the zombie one. It was way inappropriate.”

“Right? Exactly as advertised!”
“No, I mean there's a lot of sex in there.”
“Yeah. That's part of what makes it so bad.”
“We ended up turning it off because it was so inappropriate.” This is a guy who has gone through just about everything in Fernando's horror section. He waited with bated breath for each installment of the Saw series. He thought Turistas and Hostel and Savage County were great fun, if not shining avatars of home entertainment. But poorly-choreographed hanky-panky amidst a plot which is paper-thin by zombie movie plot standards (which would make it the size of, like, the Planck length) apparently crossed the line of good taste.
“Er,” says Fernando, “I had no idea your conception of propriety didn't allow for that sort of rumpus. I'll keep that in mind for future reference.”

America's priorities and social acceptance between violent content and sexual content are well and truly fucked.

Another Porn Story

It's around 1 PM on the first snow-laden day of the year. Fernando has come in early because he awaits the arrival of his movies, which are as usual running a bit tardy. At the moment he is entertained by Judge Judy and her no-bullshit attitude. He hears a loud truck pull into the lot. Fernando assumes it is a drop-off when he hears footsteps squelching outside.

Nothing happens for about thirty seconds. Then there comes a mighty pounding on the glass of Fernando's locked front door.

Fernando stumps over to the door to see a strange, flannel-clad, red-faced man standing there. His truck is of the large, mud-splattered variety, generously decorated with yellow Support Our Troops ribbon magnets. Fernando pops the door and stands in the blast of chilly air that sweeps through the opening. “Can I help you?”

“Yeah, are you open?”

“No. I don't open for another hour.”

“Says there you open at two.”

Shades of the past! “Correct. But it is only one here. But seeing as you're here, now, and I'm here, now, I can make a one-time exception to the rule.”

Fernando steps aside and enters. The man prowls about. “Where's your adult section? Back there?” He makes a beeline for the door to Fernando's back room.

“I don't carry porn, actually.”

This statement does not stop him from opening a door bearing a sign that reads in large, red letters “NO ENTRY: AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY. Chances are, if you're reading this, you're not authorized. No entry for you!” He peers into Fernando's inner sanctuary, where merriment and joy abound, where the despair that lingers in the business section of the store is forbidden. “What?”

“I don't have any porn.”

“You're the only place around here and you don't have porn?”

What is it with people and repeating the things Fernando says? “Well, yes. I just said that. It's not worth it from a budgetary or sanitary sense.”

“Fine then. What if I want to rent something else?”

“Do you have an account here?”

“No. I'm only up here this time of year.”

“Then you'll need to set up an account. That's quick and painless.”

“What do you need for that?”

“The usual. Name, address, driver's license--”

“You're not getting my information.”

Fernando shrugs. “Then I guess you're not renting. You may want to try your argument with Family Video. They're half an hour away, but I'm pretty sure you'll get about as far with them as you did with me with the whole 'renting to a random person' thing. Have a nice day.” Fernando gestures to the front door. The guy looked impossibly pissed off, but leaves. Surprisingly, he doesn't punch anything on the way out.

Fucking hunters.

Men Be Acting All Like Zombies

Once upon a time, late in September, Fernando browsed his sales catalog for the following month. That month being October, Fernando had his eye open for horror-type films so as to feed off the general creepy vibe radiating from Halloween like lines of electromagnetic force from the poles of a magnet. A surprising dearth of horror was to be had (perhaps because the studios didn't want to compete with their theatrical releases at the time I'm looking at you Paranormal Activity 3), but Fernando picked up some direct-to-video, low-budget things that he figured might appeal. One of those titles, given minimal description in his spreadsheet of releases, was Bloodlust Zombies.
Sturgeon's Law is in effect for movies in general, but it seems rather difficult to make an outright horrible zombie flick. At worst it becomes potential get-drunk-and-watch, so-horrible-it's-awesome fodder. The thing was dirt cheap, and he didn't have much else to choose from (when your stiffest competition is Wrong Turn 4 there's not much to be said), so Fernando put in an order for one copy. When the movie arrived one fateful day in October, Fernando read the case's back, groaned, and rolled his eyes. Then he threw it up on the new release rack, sat back, and waited.

Later that day, one of Fernando's regulars, a guy just a tad older than him, comes in to browse the new releases. He sees the movie, reads the case. “Hey, is that the same Alexis Texas that does porn?”

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, I think it is. This is her attempt at breaking into mainstream filmography, I guess.” That fact alone sinks any potentiality of a movie's quality. The majority of individuals who do porn have approximately the same level of acting skill as Fernando. Probably less, since Fernando at least has something vaguely resembling motivations and characterization for relevant NPC's in D&Dland beyond “Here's a bobbing penis. Do things to it.”
“Is it porn?”
“My distributor doesn't do porn. It claims to be a zombie flick.”
“I like zombie movies. I'll give it a shot.”

He rents it and returns the next day to pick out more movies. “This thing is worse than the movies they have on late-night Cinemax.”

“Do you mean that in a directorial sense or in a content sense?”
“Little bit of both. Let's put it this way. When there's more softcore sex than zombies in your zombie movie, you have a problem. I could probably direct a better one.”
“Shit, I'm sorry. I honestly thought it would be at least bearable. It seemed impossible to fuck up a zombie movie.”
“What you should do is tell people who ask that it's shit, and that'll get them to rent it.”
This idea struck Fernando as clarion-clear, and so it was implemented. People would come in and say, “What's a good horror movie?” Fernando would respond, “There actually aren't that many good ones that came out recently, but let me tell you about Bloodlust Zombies....”

Fernando's made back over double what he paid for that damn thing so far.

Sharpest Knife in the Drawer

A middle-aged guy Fernando has never seen before pulls up in a rusty two-door sedan. He enters the store, and Fernando sees that he is an unkempt sort: matted, greasy hair, food-stained sweatshirt, the works. Still a customer, though, so Fernando greets him with a cheery “Hello!”

The guy does a little jump-prance and whirls to face Fernando, eyes wild. “I'm jus' lookin', jus' lookin'!”

“Er...okay. Let me know if you need anything.”

He shambles over to the new releases, muttering something unintelligible under his breath. Then he stumps back up to the counter and slams both filthy palms down. He says something that sounds to Fernando's ears like, “You got any serrated here?”

“I'm sorry?”

“S'rated vidyas.”

“Oh. No, sorry, I'm afraid I don't.”

Lack of porn disappoints the man, for he shuffles to the exit, still muttering. This time the words were comprehensible: “Ain' got none.”

Gentlemen like that don't do the image of the pornographic arts much good.

You Know It When You See It

An older lady comes in one day with her rental target firmly in mind. She straightaway asks Fernando, “How is Black Swan?”

“It's a very...idiosyncratic movie,” Fernando says. It probably would not be a good idea to advertise the saucy lesbianism to a 60-something year old.

“I heard it's about ballet and won a bunch of awards.”

“Well, only in the broadest sense. The ballet is used as a framing device and driving force for a rather, ah, risque thriller about the psychology of ambition and the drive to succeed. It did win all sorts of accolades, though.” This elaboration is good enough for her, as she rents the movie for the night.

The next day she returns to the store and slams the case down upon the counter. Her face is screwed up in a scowl that would intimidate even Satan. But Fernando is not Satan. “This movie was horrible!” she hisses. “Nothing but smut!”

“I'm sorry you disliked the movie.”

“It's all smut nowadays!” she continues, “Everything people your age and kids watch now! That they can turn ballet into...into this!” She throws her hands up in the air with a hearty “Feh!” Then she turns to Fernando's Spartacus poster and jabs a finger at it. “That, too! Have you seen that?”

“I can't say that I have.”

“Well, I have. I was watching HBO the other night (Fernando does not correct her error... maybe she instead saw Game of Thrones?) and that came on and it was nothing but sex and rape and murder!” So, yeah, Game of Thrones.

Fernando shrugs. “It's what sells. It's always what's sold. It's just that nowadays changes in how society views sex and violence have allowed for it to be much more up-front rather than being veiled behind innuendo. Frankly, it's a rather lazy way out of storytelling because it lays everything out for the viewer rather than allowing his or her imagination to fill in the blanks, but that's just the way things go. It's not limited to miniseries on cable TV channels.”

“It's not healthy,” the lady says. Then she departs, still grumbling about the decline of western society.

More Porn

One afternoon Fernando is speaking with one of his friends via the Book of Faces when the phone rings. The caller ID reads “Global Comm” and Fernando gears up for yet another encounter with telemarketers attempting to sway him to sign up for some nebulous company's communication services. After all, Fernando cannot simply allow the phone to go unanswered; that would be unprofessional.

“Hello, Dominion of Movies!”

The first words out of the telemarketer's mouth are “Hey, brother!”

Curious opening gambit. Fernando unleashes a proper response: “Hi! Your voice has changed, and why are you calling me at this number?”

A brief pause as the marketer considers his next move. Then: “Excuse--”

Ah, but Fernando quickly follows up his attack! “Because you're not my brother.”

The telemarketer rallies and responds, “Okay then, hey, partner!”

“Hey yourself!” Fernando says, mirroring his opponent and awaiting what was to come.

“I wanted to talk to you today about the DVDs you make.”

This mistake creates an opening! Fernando strikes without hesitation. “My DVDs? What about the DVDs that I make? Because I can assure you I do zero illicit creation and marketing of copyrighted material.”

“Um...I mean the DVDs that we make,” the telemarketer says, now on the defensive.

“Oh, well then. What sorts of DVDs do you make?”

“Well, the sort that we can't advertise on TV or in other places.” He pauses, gathering confidence. “We distribute adult movies.”

A-ha! Fernando has dealt with this sort before, and knows how to push buttons. “Oh, so you mean porn?”

“Uh...yeah, yeah, porn,” is the cowed response.

“Well, I hate to break your bubble, but I don't currently carry any of those.” While this seems like Fernando left a vulnerable chink in his defenses, he gives the anonymous man from Global Comm no opportunity to exploit it. “And I'm uninterested in stocking such things right now, and for the foreseeable future. So, I hope you have a great day, and best of luck in getting in touch with your sibling!” Then Fernando hangs up.

Fernando hopes the guy is able to retrieve his porn from his brother.

But...Avenue Q....

It is a merry New Release Tuesday that happens to coincide with the date on which Fernando was born into this world. He is enjoying what passes for a day off: playing Final Fantasy XII and drinking a cool, refreshing Pepsi he has procured from a sodey pop fridge.

The phone rings. NEVADA CALL, reads the caller ID. Fernando pauses his game and picks up.

“Hello, Dominion of Movies.”

“Ah, yes,” says a weaselly, pleasing voice not unlike that of a servile but treacherous chancellor, “Do you carry any, ah, adult films?”

“Uh, no, I'm afraid I don't.”

“I see. Does anyone ever ask you about adult films?”

“Er. There's not really much demand for them here.”

“Well, I'm calling from Ecstatic X. We distribute adult videos to retailers like you.”

“Um. That's very nice. But I'm afraid I'm not interested in your product.”

“If you can give me just a minute, I'll be happy to give you a number of statistics regarding sales of adult video for home consumption,” says the man.

“Well, okay, but first I'd like you to answer a question for me,” says Fernando.

“Absolutely.”

“Why would I, or anyone else for that matter, spend money on something that could be had for free just about anywhere on the internet?”

“Well, you see, people like to enjoy adult videos in a relaxing home environment--”

“Pretty sure that it's still illegal to whip it out at the local Starbucks,” interrupts Fernando. “Are you suggesting to me that people in general don't consume their internet porn in the privacy of their own homes?”

“Sir, adult videos--”

“Porn.”

“Sir, that label is grossly loaded language and--”

“I mean, frigging Human Centipede is an adult video. Kill Bill is an adult video. Backdoor to the Orient is an adult video. That one is squicky gross-out horror and the other an exploitation revenge flick and the third some consenting adults doing naughty things in front of a camera really doesn't concern me and is silly sophistry. That being said, I'm not interested in your services. Good day.”

“But sir--”

Fernando hangs up, unpauses, and resumes his trudge through Barheim Passage to attain the Esper Zalera.

Content Priorities

“Hey, is this movie any good?” The film in question is Black Swan.

“Actually, it is,” replies Fernando. “I don't think you can go wrong renting it.”

“Yeah, but do you think I would like it?” The speaker in this case is a young adult male regular customer of Fernando's.

“Well, it's a wonderfully twisted psychological thriller type movie, if you're into those. It also has a scene where Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis go down on each other.”

The man plucks a tag off the case without further hesitation.

Do You Want a Play?

Fernando is minding his own business one slow October afternoon when the phone rings. The caller ID flashes “NEVADA CALL” and Fernando feels a burst of titillation. He lets the phone ring three or four times while he gets into the proper character.

“Hello.”

“Yeah, this is John calling on behalf of Lou Diamond. I've got a play that you might be interested in, and I just wanted to give you a quick Spiel to see if you'll back me up.”

“What play is it that you speak of? Is this performed on a stage?”

“Well, let me help you out in getting you on board. You ever heard of Lou Diamond?”

“He has quite an improper name. It resembles that of a human streetwhorewalker.”

“Well, our records show you have a movie store, and we've got a DVD coming out that'll be a huge hit. I just wanted to know if you'd be up for a play.”

“Again with this silly play. Is this Dee-Vee-Dee one in which humans perform on a stage? Did the step-ladder-humans create it? It is something they would be likely to do. We must be wary of this step-ladder-human nonsense!”

“What....No. Listen, just give me your name so I can put you down for one of these.”

“Ye, this sounds reasonable. Cokakar.”

“O...kay. That's really your name?”

“Is your name is really your name?”

“Listen, are you the one in charge there? Is there somebody else I can talk to, the owner or something?” Up to this point, “John” somehow managed to remain incredibly slick-talking and upbeat. I have to give him major credit for that.

“No, no. Haragol Amelel is not here at the moment. You speak to Cokakar.”

“Well, um--”

“I once had a filthy elefim in my body. It made me do such silly and filthy things as hug a dwarf-man floating in midair with rats.”

“What are you--” Now he started losing it. Tee-hee-hee.

“The one most annoying step-ladder-human became a bear and I threw the elefim into the ocean not long thereafter. And another one off a cliff. It survived. Filthy elefim.”

He hung up and hasn't called back since, which is odd as Cokakar was being very friendly that day indeed.