Derp

It's a Friday, frigid and hateful. Fernando sits in his office and is speaking on the Book of Faces with one of his compatriots, Oso Hija. The conversation is mundane and soon the topic turns to work because that is apparently what adults talk about.

“Today is a super-duper slow day for me,” types Fernando. “I have not made a single cent!”

“That's because you need more exciting advertising!”

“Like what?”

Oso Hija links Fernando to a page full of neon signs which can be purchased. There is an abundance of ones that read “Live Nudes” and “PORN!” Oso Hija can be quite the comedienne at times.

“Are you suggesting that I attain live nudes?”

“You can get the PORN! sign, and just start carrying porn movies. Think of all the business you'd generate!”

Fernando is about to respond to her with a comment about how he likes maintaining the sanctity of his back room when a vehicle pulls up, then backs up in front of the window. The driver looks at Fernando in confusion, and Fernando has no idea what is going on. The man shrugs and points over to Fernando's front door, so Fernando gets up to check it out. Maybe an animal was turned into road pizza or something.

But, no. Fernando was just a derper and forgot to flip his freaking sign to OPEN. He remedies this and has a sudden, mad influx of custom to the store.

When he finally has a spare moment to attend the conversation on the computer, Oso Hija tells him, “That's okay. Nobody's perfect!” Then, after a pause, “You should write a blog about this!”

“That would make me look bad.”

“Exactly!”

Okay, Oso Hija. You win.

Ask What You Want Answered

-Ring ring ring-

The caller ID reads Wireless Caller, so that's no help. “Hello, Dominion of Movies.”

“Yeah, how long between your new releases?'

“Er...usually I get them in every week on Tuesday, but every now and then I've got Friday releases as well.”

“No, that's not what I meant.”

A pregnant pause.

Fernando breaks it. “So what do you mean?”

“How long do you have your new releases?”

“I'm not sure what you're asking here. Do you want to know how long rentals are on new releases?”

“Yeah. That's what I said.”

Fernando opts not to challenge the man's wrongly held beliefs. “Generally for one night, but they can be rented for more than one if desired.”

“Oh.” He hangs up.

Okay then.

Sins of the Mother

One evening a...well...”gaggle” is an insufficient group classification. A friggin' legion of 12 high-school-age girls enter the Dominion all a-giggle. Not a one of them is familiar to Fernando. They gallivant about the store with their loud talking and bickering and eventually decide on The Drifter as their evening's entertainment and come back to the counter.

Fernando addresses the gathered masses, feeling very much like a professional orator. “Under whose name would this be?”

“Can I put it under my mom's?” asks their apparent leader.

“If she has an account here.”

“She should. Esmerelda T.”

Ah. The Shutter Island people. “Actually, I'm sorry. You guys have a number of outstanding late fees from about a year ago. Sixty-something bucks worth. I can't rent to you until it's taken care of.”

“Well...that's from a year ago.”

“This only further reinforces my point. If you would care to purchase the movie outright, however, perhaps we could do business.”

“I promise we'll bring it back.”

“Sorry, but no. I'll sell it to you for five bucks, else I can't help you.”

She accepts Fernando's proposal, and Fernando not only garnered income but also freed up inventory space.

Shameless Plug

Okay, it's 2012. December is but 11 scant months away, and I've decided to scratch “have a book published” off my bucket list before the world ends. "What'll the book in question contain?" curious souls ask.

The stuff you've been reading.

“But Fernando,” said souls rightfully point out, “there's no way anyone would pay for that which is freely available. Besides, you would never find a publisher for such dreck.”

Absolutely. But, hey, Amazon exists. I'll throw it up on there as an e-book for a paltry amount ($2.99? Market research is needed.) God willing, I'll sell ten copies. I'm not going to shoot for the stars when I ought to be aiming over yon molehill. But ten copies is more than zero copies, and as far as I'm concerned that's all that matters.

As for content, in addition to everything that's been put up so far, strange unshared Chronicles which exist in my memory and the large Open Office Writer file in which I record such things will be added. If you ever had a burning desire to learn the complete details of the #1 Fan saga, it'll be there. Care to reap delicious Schadenfreude over my blunders? Yep, those'll be there too. There's even the story of the sublimely pissed-off guy who made a wide array of threats to my building and my person. I'll probably also throw in a few of those sardonic commentaries on life that everyone loves so much, and maybe some pictures. Who doesn't like pictures?

When will this masterpiece of literature be released? I'd really like it to be ready by May or June. Most of the actual writing is already done, but I still need to do the aforementioned research on the mechanics of self-publishing and to meditate on such things as layout and organization. Should it be chronological? Topical? Eh, I'll figure it out.

Any updates on this little project of mine will be in addition to the regularly scheduled insight, invective, etc. that you, Dear Readers, salivate for. So, yeah. In the immortal words of Mario Mario, “Let's-a go!”

Annual Abscondments II

If there's an overarching theme linking this year's pressed plastic victims of theft, it's that thieves and hooligans can't resist the allure of the sequel. Let's take a closer look at these treasures as we mourn our kidnapped unfortunates, who no doubt cower in the comparatively safe darkness beneath a dirt-crusted piece of furniture and pine for their absent loved ones.

Battle for L.A., The Tourist: The first half of the year went by without a hitch. It was the smoothest sailing Fernando had ever experienced. But this double-feature was nipped in late July when one of Fernando's semi-regulars decided to help himself to some property and ignored Fernando's phone calls requesting it back. Said gent is no longer one of Fernando's semi-regulars, and rest assured that a Chronicle will surface if he ever decides to return.

Carlito's Way: This wanna-be Scarface was rented by someone who was quite the regular customer. Then he went out of town on some “business,” according to his girlfriend/wife/whatever, and “happened” to have taken the film with him “by mistake.” Fernando told her it's okay, because a mailing address exists on the case so that it could be returned to him via the postal service. The woman assured Fernando that this course of action would be taken and that his film would be promptly returned.

Uh-huh.

Grown Ups: Sometimes Fernando makes mistakes in permitting some people to rent. This is one of them. Fernando has not recounted the tale of this embarrassing defeat.

Death Race 2, Step Up 3: Another twofer. Some people Fernando had never seen before came in, set up an account, rented, never returned things. The phone number he had been given was disconnected and the address that was provided had mail returned. So it goes.

Jackass 3: Part of Fernando wants to thank the schmuck who took this off his hands because he can charge the full replacement price instead of $8 resale, when he still has a copy of this selfsame movie that people refuse to purchase (perhaps because there is, in fact, a modicum of common sense in today's society). Coincidentally, this is the copy which was the subject of the Jackass 3 Saga. Rock on, magic disc, rock on.

Hoodwinked Too, Psych 9: Semi-regular rents these for her and her boyfriend, they break up, he doesn't return the movies. Neither of them have come back yet since this came to pass, and Fernando doesn't care from whom the money comes when they do. He's at fault for not returning them and she's at fault for making the piss-poor decision of shacking up with a thief. Maybe he'll half-and-half it on them?

Gulliver's Travels: Another new account steal. Fernando finds himself walking a treacherous line between welcoming new customers to the fold with an open mind and heart, and being a malicious, mistrustful bastard to anybody he's never seen before.

Scream 4, Horrible Bosses, Fast Five, Take Me Home Tonight: Okay, this one kind of stuck in Fernando's craw because this haul consisted of four pretty decent renters, the first three of which were stolen the very week they came out. This Chronicle is forthcoming as well (WHAT IS THIS FORESHADOWING?).

The Smurfs: Okay, remember the chick with the nice rack? She reformed at one juncture but then embarked on a long hiatus from the store, and when she finally returned it seemed she had hooked up with some guy and formed babby which she did not do way instain. The happy couple rented a couple of movies one day, this and Planet of the Apes. The latter movie made it back into Fernando's possession. This one did not.

At least they brought back the one which helps Fernando's finances out more.

And there we have it. 2011 began with a whimper and went out with a bang. If the Mayans are correct, 2012 will go out in the same way, but with even more extravagance and finality. Thanks for reading, and see y'all next year!

Made In America

A lady enters the Dominion one day. She is unfamiliar to Fernando but she speaks to him as if she has known him for his entire life. This woman desires stocking stuffers and decided that gift certificates to the movie rental place would be a splendid way to satisfy that goal. Good thing Fernando can have such things made available.

As he is filling out the four slips of paper, the woman continues to speak at him. “Y'know, it's good doing business with an American business for a change. Everything nowadays is made in China or Taiwan and you can't get anything that's from America, for America. It's good that you're not one of those places where all your stuff comes from somewhere else.”

Fernando makes a noncommittal grunt and continues writing. No political debates, not when this woman's trying to give you twenty-five of her dollars, even if she's wrong and “Made in Taiwan” hasn't appeared on cheap plastic goods since the mid-90s, or maybe to inform her that economic globalization is here to stay and that markets needs to adapt or die out, or that the video discs through which Fernando plies a living are pressed in China or Thailand....

Squee!

Fernando was in the best of moods one day, for this was the day on which the trailer for The Hobbit was unveiled to the world. He did not quite produce manly tears of joy, but he certainly acted as might a child of four when faced with a thing which titillates the soul. Because this took place at the Dominion, by necessity a customer, one of Fernando's somewhat geekish regulars, entered in the midst of Fernando's uncouth whoops of glee.

“What's that all about?” she asks as Fernando writes out the rental agreement.

Fernando clears his throat and brings himself closer to stoic normalcy. “The Hobbit!” he says with a happy giggle and perhaps a bit of arm flailing. “Comes out next year!” Then the realization that he must wait a full year before theatrical bliss sets in, and Fernando sobers a bit.

“Wow. I can tell you're a little excited over this.” Then she says to Fernando words which bring him yet further down to earth. “You know there was another prequel movie that a whole lot of people were really excited about.” She affects an obnoxious nasal accent. “Meesa so happy to see you!”

This does not dissuade Fernando's merriment. “Peter Jackson is not George Lucas, and this is not Star Wars. I see what you're trying to do here, and it's not working. You won't disappoint me.”

“I bet you don't hear that very often.”

Fernando stares in amazement for a moment, then bows his head in defeat. “Okay, wow. Wow.” The customer smirks at him. “But I'll just rewatch the trailer once you're gone and my shattered heart level will be restored.”

This reference flies over her head. And once she leaves, Fernando does precisely that, and all became well...nay, better, in the world.