Nope, Still Not Family Video

Fernando sits in his throne one evening having an enlightening conversation with his geographically-separated buddy Laurentia about cat nicknames. She had just dubbed her two critters Princess Peach and Meowser, because one is a dainty girl-cat and the other one is “huge and thick and chases her around all the time.”

This being the best idea ever, Fernando heartily approves and as he informs Laurentia of his opinion, a pair of customers, one regular and one semi-regular, enter into the store. They shoot the breeze with one another for a while and share eldritch life-stories as they browse the aisles. One of them asks the other one if he knows where “a movie that has Jeff in it” is located, rather than asking the guy who owns the store and is more intimately connected with its inventory than he ever has been with any woman.

Fernando takes it upon himself to track down Jeff Who Lives at Home so that the two men can be on their merry ways with a minimum of fuss. “Is this the one you were thinking of?” Fernando asks, handing the second man the case in question.

“I think so. This is the only movie with Jeff in it?”

“Pretty sure. If I've got another one here then it's news to me.”

“Cool. Thanks, man.”

While Fernando returns to his place behind the counter to complete the rental procedures for his two guests, he hears the clatter of movies being deposited in his drop box. Fernando gives a quick glance over his shoulder at the sound. He sees a blue plastic case slowly slide through the opening like an azure turd.

I don't have any blue cases, Fernando thinks. They're all either clear, or red, or orange, or yellow. “Excuse me one second,” Fernando says to his customers.

He crosses the office and lifts up the blue-cased film. In the interim, other movies, some in blue cases and some in clear, continue to sneak inside the Dominion's walls. The film in question is Gangsters, Guns, and Zombies. Fernando has this movie in his inventory, but it's currently nestled on his shelf in a bright yellow case. This can't be his.

The barcode sticker which reads FAMILY VIDEO provides further evidence of that fact.

“Hey, hey, hold on!” Fernando shouts as he gathers the now-six films into his arms. He hustles out of the office and out the front door. A scruffy man in his early twenties bends over before the drop box with a bulging plastic Menard's bag dangling from the fingers of one hand. A self-rolled cigarette rests between his clamped lips and Fernando can smell the unmistakable aroma of plants in the genus Cannabis from ten feet away. The strange man shoves another movie into the slot even as Fernando speaks.

“Hey, uh...I'm not Family Video.”

“Wha?” he asks, tilting his head and looking at a place somewhat to Fernando's left. He mechanically inserts an eighth movie.

“I'm not Family Video. I can understand the confusion, seeing as we're both in the video rental business and have signs out in front of our respective stores, but I'm definitely not Family Video.” Fernando extends the six movies toward the man. He has no desire to deal with Family Video if there is any way for him to avoid it. “You should take these back.”

“Oh, thanks man.” Pokey Joe takes the six proffered movies and turns around. He begins walking to a beaten-up green sedan where another man, the getaway driver, sits behind the wheel.

“Let me get you those other two,” Fernando says. “I'll be right back.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Fernando reenters the store. His customers have wry smiles upon their faces as Fernando swings around the counter and back into the office to collect the remaining misdelivered discs. Then he heads back outside and turns them over to Pokey Joe's driver, as Pokey Joe himself had taken a seat in the passenger's side of his best friend's ride. “There you go. Have a good one.”

Pokey Joe's driver grunts, shifts gears, and pulls out of the Dominion's parking lot.

“I swear--” Fernando begins saying as he reenters the store. He is cut off by the unmistakable nng-tak-chrak-tak-chrak-tak of snowmobiles cruising across his parking lot.

“There's no snow!” Fernando shouts to nobody, except maybe a hidden Guardian Spider.

“You sound like you have a problem with those guys,” the second of Fernando's customers states.

“I really don't care as long as there's something appropriate for them to mobile across, but there isn't any, and those aren't asphalt-mobiles!”

Both of Fernando's guests laugh and pay and continue on with their lives. Fernando sits down to compose the anecdote. And here we are.

Potence

A guy and his girlfriend come into the store one afternoon. Fernando greets them but they ignore him, as the dude is talking on his cell phone and the girl did not seem to want to engage in social niceties with anybody.

Fernando turns back to his computer as the guy continues his conversation. He speaks quite loudly and the volume on his cell phone is also cranked up, to the point that Fernando can hear the noises coming out of it from about twenty feet away. He tunes the conversation out, as he has no interest in prying.

Fernando snaps back to attention when he hears the gent say the words, “I'm telling you, they ain't got nothing here.” He half-swivels his chair about to make sure no one is in need of his inestimable services, but the man is intent upon his cell. Fernando can hear the conversational partner saying words and there is the sound of a crying baby in the background.

“No, I'm serious,” the guy says. “They ain't got nothing new.” A pause, some word-exchange happens. “No, I don't see it.” Another pause. “Hang on, I'll ask.”

The guy turns to Fernando. “Hey, you got Cowgirls and Angels here?”

“Do you mean Cowboys and Aliens?”

“No, I mean Cowgirls and Angels.”

“No, then I'm afraid I do not.”

The man focuses his attention on the cell phone as Fernando is about to continue, so Fernando stops. “No, he doesn't have it.” Pause. “I'm not going to Family Video.” Pause. “I don't care if your daughter got it from there! This place don't have it!”

The pair leaves. Fernando watches them go in bemusement.

As Fernando was about to tell the gent before he was cut off, Cowgirls and Angels was not due for release until October 2^nd, so it would have been a great feat of prowess indeed had Fernando broken the rules of time, space, and product release dates.

Captain Oblivious

The phone rings one afternoon. Fernando picks up. “Hello, Dominion of Movies.”

“Yeah, my name is Monaco. I was wondering if you did any disc cleaning.”

Fernando sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “I used to, but the repair machine I used broke down a while back and I haven't been able to find an acceptable replacement yet. All the ones I've found have been the hand-crank ones that are far more likely to destroy your discs than fix them, or the huge industrial ones that cost about three thousand dollars and take up half a room.”

“Have you tried looking online?”

“Well, yeah. I've scoured eBay, Amazon, other places. I haven't found any.”

“I see. What kind did you have?”

“A Maxwell. Couldn't tell you the specifics, but I'd know it if I saw it. It worked amazingly for at least six or so years, probably more since it was here when the old owners were still around.”

“What happened to it?”

“Well, there are these styrofoam pads that are placed in the machine to do the actual cleaning and they have a thin strip of some sort of polymer material on top. One day this strip somehow came off and smeared and tangled itself all over the disc and moving parts in the machine.”

“Did you try cleaning it?”

“Uh...yeah. It--”

“How about rubbing alcohol and Q-Tips? Those work well for cleaning up machines like that if you take them apart.”

“Yes. This stuff was crusted on and I couldn't get any of it off, so in the end I threw it--”

“Because I've taken apart and fixed a lot of stuff, gaming systems and stuff. Xbox and GameCube and things like that. Maybe I could take a look for you.”

Fernando resists the urge to shout uncomplimentary words. “I got rid of it after I was unable to clean it.”

“I could maybe have fixed it for you.”

“I wasn't going to keep a broken piece of machinery around the store.”

“Oh.” Monaco makes a pensive chuffing sound. “Have you tried searching Craigslist? They sometimes have stuff up for sale.”

“Yes, I have checked Craigslist.”

“You didn't find anything?”

“If I had, I would have most likely bought it.”

“Why don't you get a different one?”

Deep breaths, Fernando. Deep deep breaths. “The hand-crank ones are crap and I don't have the money, space, or inclination to pick up one of the big ones like what Family Video or Blockbuster probably have.”

“Oh, Family Video has one of those?”

“I would imagine so.”

“Do you know if they do it for other people?”

“I mean, I don't know. I'm not an expert on how Family Video runs itself.”

“I guess I'll call them then.”

“That might be for the best. They would be able to answer your questions better than me.”

Monaco is silent for about five seconds. “Okay, so I'll call them then.”

“Alrighty. Best of luck to you.”

Monaco hangs up. Fernando passes time staring at the cordless phone in his hand, then replaces it in the charger.

More Advice

One of Fernando's regulars comes into the store and peruses his selection of X360 games for a short while as Fernando fills out his rental slip and fetches his movies. When the monetary exchange is made, the man says, “You don't have a huge-huge selection of X-Box games I see.”

“Well, they're $50 a pop,” Fernando replies. “And budgets being what they are, I'm forced to trickle them in far more...tricklingly than I would like. It would go more quickly if you helped me get a bigger budget to work with!” he adds, grinning rackishly and chuckling.

The customer gets the joke. “Well, you probably already know, but Family Video sells their X360 games for like $15 when they're through with them. It'll help you get a lot more for cheaper.”

Fernando thinks the man is still joking and laughs. Then the customer says, “No, I'm serious. It could really help you out.”

Now Fernando is no longer jocular. “Ok. I should give money to my biggest competitors to buy for my store a used game that is no longer even a new release that will be covered in their stickers?” Fernando pauses to give the customer a chance for rebuttal. When none was forthcoming, he continues, “That's right. I wouldn't. It would be silly. Notwithstanding Family Video has screwed me over before, so I'm even more disinclined to associate with them.”

“Sorry. I didn't think about the stickers.”

“Nah, no biggie,” Fernando responds. “It's not your job to think about what stickers are on which discs. Only lame people who own a video store need to do that.”

“I'll pick up Toy Story 3 tomorrow, then?”

“Yep, I'll have one waiting for you.”

And thus peace and order were restored.

GG, Family Video

Once in a while, as has been related in the past, people return Family Video's movies to Fernando at his Dominion. Fernando is a gentleman and calls up the store and usually arranges for someone to come pick it up, or for Fernando to go out of his way to return the films should he be heading thattaway in the nearish future.

One of Fernando's regular customers rented a movie from him and failed to return it; quite bizarre, since this person had generally been punctual in returning his rentals and paid off any of the small late fees he'd accrue immediately. So, after the third day of absence, Fernando calls him up to investigate the matter.

“Hello?”

“Hi, this is Fernando from the Dominion of Movies. I'm just calling about the movie you rented a few days back. It hasn't been returned, and I just wanted to remind you.”

“I returned it on Monday.” (It was now Wednesday by this point).

“Well, I still have the slip in my late pile. Let me double-check to make sure I didn't shelve it and accidentally forgot to mark it as returned.” This sort of thing happens to Fernando once in a while, unfortunately, for he is only human and if he is being swamped by customers things can fall through the cracks. However, upon checking his database and the shelf, the movie in question is absent and labeled as still in the customer's possession. Fernando informs him of this fact.

“Well, I don't know what happened. Let me check around the house here and I'll get back to you.” Fernando agrees and the conversation ends.

An hour or so later, the man comes into the store looking quite distressed. “Yeah, um. I'm sorry.” He places a case down on the counter—one of Fernando's cases, but inside of it is a movie from Family Video. “I accidentally returned your movie to Family Video. I'll go up there tomorrow and see about getting it back.”

Fernando pish-pishes that suggestion. “I'll just call them up right now and explain what happened. It's happened that I've gotten their videos a bunch of times before.” So Fernando digs out the phone book and calls up the Family Video in question.

“Family Video.”

“Yes, hi. This is Fernando from the Dominion of Movies in the small town twenty-three miles to the west. One of my movies was accidentally returned to your store a few days ago.”

“Which one?” Fernando gives the title and the man excuses himself for a moment. A few minutes later, he returns. “Yeah, we've had it here since Monday. We tried giving you a call but the person who answered the phone said not to worry and that you'd be in to pick it up.”

Now this is quite odd. Fernando is the sole employee at the Dominion of Movies, and he would certainly recall Family Video calling him about possessing one of his films; he would never have had to call up his customer in that case because he would have seen that it was returned. When Fernando expressed his misgivings regarding the tale's veracity, the man on the other end became indignant.

“Look, I'm telling you what really happened. We called the number on the tag and somebody answered.”

“Like who?” It is a fact that Fernando enjoys messing with people who spin bullshit, like telemarketers and liars.

“Oh, just a guy. You know.”

“Well, I mean, I don't know. I don't know at all because I don't have any 'guys' working here.”

“A girl, then.”

Did this man think Fernando was in some way deficient? “Listen. There's nobody else here. There's just me, Fernando. I never got this phone call.” The man tries interrupting but Fernando will have none of it. “Here's what going to happen. I've worked with you guys to go out of my way to return movies of yours before that have been dropped off here and I'm frankly pissed at the crap you're trying to pull on me. So I expect my movie to be back in my possession by Friday. If it is not, then we shall dance a legal dance in which you explain why you have unlawfully had some of my property in your possession for almost a week.” And Fernando hangs up.

The movie was in his drop box the following morning, but Fernando is done being nice with Family Video. As for the customer, he paid off his late fees without issue and all became right between Fernando and him because Fernando follows the Golden Rule, and does unto others as is done unto him.

And They Say I Lack Social Grace

Fernando is sitting in his chair one August afternoon, playing Bejeweled 2 and being overall jovial, for he has reached Level 12. A car pulls up and a woman Fernando has never seen before slides a movie into the return slot. This is nothing new; Fernando has seen the most random of people return others’ rentals. The important thing is that they get back.

Once Fernando’s gems explode in loss a few scant minutes later, he decides now is as good a time as any to shuffle the movie back on the shelf. As he peers into the drop basket, he shakes his head and sighs. Every so often, people dump Family Video returns into his drop box; Fernando suspects these people fail at basic reading comprehension and geographical awareness.

Normally Fernando waits a while before calling up Family Video in case the person catches the mistake, so he sticks it on the shelf and returns to prowling the internet. Sure enough, about forty minutes later, a car hauls all ass into the parking lot and a man he has never seen before charges into the store. “Hey, do you have a movie that belongs to Family Video?” He is quite curt and his tone of voice is such that he accuses Fernando of being at fault for the misreturned movie.

“If by that you mean, ‘A movie that should have been returned to Family Video,’ yes, yes I do. Here you go.” Fernando hands over the film in question.

The man then says, “Yeah, I don’t know why my wife returned it to this place. We would never rent from you guys.” And he leaves.

Sometimes Fernando regrets being such an honest person.